This comment was left on the article “Do Women Love Pegging?” This woman’s experience is not unique. I thought it needed front page exposure.

Ruby, I can’t say I enjoy this site but I am glad you give real advice, nowhere else to turn. My bf and I are having some problems with pegging. I agreed to do it once and hated it completely. I thought once I gave in and at least tried (like I’ve noticed you tell so many women to do) he would at least respect me for trying. Wrong. He talks about it constantly, even more than bjs or vaginal. I wasn’t really turned off by the anal stimulation itself, but the fact that he loved sucking on a dildo really bothered me, that’s taking it a lot further than just stimulation, that’s wanting to suck d*** which is very gay-curious.

So please Ruby as much as you want to tell women this lifestyle is healthy and normal they need to understand that once you open Pandora’s box, you can’t close it and you might not like what you find out. Finding out your bf enjoys sucking and taking something that for all purposes is a penis can be a huge turnoff, especially if it interests him more than a vagina.

Thank you very much for leaving a comment here. I’m sorry to hear that your first time of pegging did not go as well as you both hoped it would, and seemed to be very upsetting for you. Perhaps I can help.

My response is going to be pretty long, and I am going to post this on my blog as well as talk about it on my next podcast, because it’s so important for my listeners to hear. There are definitely other women out there who have had experiences just like you did; you’re not the only one.

I hope you find this information useful. Please understand that pegging isn’t for everyone, and it might not be for you. I’m not trying to talk you into it. Just trying to show you the other side of the picture a little, to hopefully help you understand his point of view.

I wasn’t really turned off by the anal stimulation itself, but the fact that he loved sucking on a dildo really bothered me, that’s taking it a lot further than just stimulation, that’s wanting to suck d*** which is very gay-curious.

So, let’s talk about your assumption that your boyfriend is “gay-curious” because he enjoyed sucking the dildo. First of all – if he is anything other than heterosexual (straight), it’s going to be bisexual – because if he’s fucking you, he is not gay. Gay is if he enjoys men only. Now…Imagine two lesbians who do strap-on sex. If one of them enjoys sucking on the dildo, does that mean she really wants a man? Of course not. I don’t know if your boyfriend is bi-curious. I assume you two have talked about it in the context of your concerns about trying pegging. If he said he’s not, I’d believe him. If you didn’t talk about it, you need to do that and to express your concerns. Pegging is an act, not an orientation. Sure, the equipment you are using resembles a penis, but go back to that lesbian example – it doesn’t necessarily mean he wants a real penis. Ask him.

Sucking the dildo could be something he did because he thought you would like it, in the context of the role reversal experienced in pegging. Let me explain. I have heard more than one man tell this exact story – that when first faced with his girlfriend/wife wearing a strap-on, it is so exciting, because usually he’s been fantasizing about it for a long time, that he doesn’t know what to do. So his first thought is, well if that was me standing there, what would I want? I’d want to have her suck on my dick! So he proceeds to do that and freaks out his partner. She thinks – what the hell? I can’t feel it and is he just pretending I am a man? ‘Cause this feels really screwed up! I get it. I’m not a fan of my partner sucking on the dildo so much. To me it seems pointless, because I can’t feel it and it does nothing for me. But if it does something for him, then it’s more fun for me.

Consider this – many of us have fantasies that are always going to remain fantasies because it’s not something we really want in real life. It could be that it turns him on to think about it but he would never in a million years want to actually do it with a guy.

Also, consider this. If he wanted to be with a man, it would be SO much easier to go have sex with a man than go to the trouble to convince you to try pegging, right? He wants to do this with you.

I agreed to do it once and hated it completely. I thought once I gave in and at least tried (like I’ve noticed you tell so many women to do) he would at least respect me for trying.

Your phrasing is painful to read. You “gave in and at least tried” but seem to have already been anticipating never doing it again and expecting him to respect you for trying and to then leave you alone about it. That’s no way to explore new sexual territory with your partner. It’s a guaranteed failure. If you are at least neutral about trying something, that can work, but it doesn’t sound like you were. And whether that was because you had fears about him being bisexual or that pegging him would fan the flames if he was, I have no way of knowing.

He talks about it constantly, even more than bjs or vaginal.

Imagine if you suddenly discovered that you could have an orgasm 10 times more powerful than anything you had ever experienced. That’s what an orgasm is like with a combination of prostate and penile stimulation. So if you discovered that intense level of pleasure, wouldn’t you want to do that…a lot? Or imagine that you discovered that if your boyfriend stimulated your G-Spot with his fingers or a toy that it could give you a total blow-your-mind, full-body orgasm. Wouldn’t you be eager to do it a LOT? And he might be sitting there going….what about my dick? What about regular intercourse?

So…when men first experience pegging, their enthusiasm for it can be an issue for some couples. And it’s not just about the level of pleasure, it’s also about experiencing sex in a completely different way that allows them to be vulnerable and to open up and receive. It does kind of blow their mind.

My advice for couples who have this issue is to schedule regular pegging, and I am not even kidding. Otherwise, every time they head to the bedroom, he’s hoping she will peg him and she’s pissed off because it feels like that’s all he ever wants. If you schedule it, he can relax and know he’ll be getting it regularly, and you can relax and not feel pressured every time you have sex. Plus, pegging requires some preparation for him, so scheduling helps that, too. Tell him that his continued interest in rocking your world sexually in all the ways he usually does is the price of admission to regular pegging land.

So please Ruby as much as you want to tell women this lifestyle is healthy and normal they need to understand that once you open Pandora’s box, you can’t close it and you might not like what you find out. Finding out your bf enjoys sucking and taking something that for all purposes is a penis can be a huge turnoff, especially if it interests him more than a vagina.

It sounds here like you are saying you now have proof positive that your boyfriend is bi-curious, because of one session of pegging where he enjoyed sucking the dildo and getting fucked by it. The dildo was attached to your body, right? Which I assume has breasts and a vagina? Unless you have talked with him about the bi-curious thing and he has said, “Yes, I am bi-curious”, you are making incorrect assumptions about your boyfriend’s orientation (remember the lesbians!). Pegging doesn’t magically turn a man bisexual and he suddenly starts craving hairy, muscular bodies. Not the way it works. If he was bi-curious to begin with, it might arouse his curiosity a little more, but straight men don’t turn bisexual because of pegging.

…Interests him more than a vagina…

I imagine that feels quite painful, and you need to tell him how it feels to you. In fact – take some time and calmly talk all this through, that would be my advice. Tell him you feel like he’s obsessed with pegging now, that that’s all he wants to talk about and he isn’t interested in your vagina anymore.  Tell him that sucking the dildo really turned you off and freaked you out and tell him why. And then talk with him about his orientation – don’t accuse him of being gay because he sucked a penis-shaped object and had it up his ass. Lesbians fuck each other’s vaginas with penis-shaped objects, too – are they straight? Talk with him about it calmly and ask him if there is any part of him that is bi-curious. That’s the only way you are going to get open communication is to…communicate openly. Otherwise, you can assume anything you want and agonize over it as much as you want, too. And it could all be for nothing.

If he is bi-curious, then you need to figure out what that means for your relationship and go forward from there. But at least you won’t be sitting there accusing him of being bisexual because of something that happened with a sex toy when you two were in bed!

Good luck to you both. And if you feel so inclined – we’d all love to hear what happens.

Ruby Ryder

In the time that I have been enthusiastically exploring and learning about pegging, I’ve learned so much about what it feels like for a man to have a woman slip a dildo inside him and fuck his sweet ass. I did learn from practice, often the best way to learn. But I also participated in many forums online where men waxed poetic about getting pegged….sharing information about how it feels, what positions are best for the most pleasure, what kinds of orgasms they have experienced and the particular sensations associated with each. In all of my explorations, conversations and discussions, the same theme kept coming back over and over. Pleasure, pleasure and more pleasure.

So let me formally and unequivocally answer the question posed by the title of this article…

Yes, Yes and Yes. Oh….and Yes.

And…OH!! YES!!

Okay…there will of course be the occasional man who does not get a thrill out of pegging…because people are delightfully diverse. Bodies are different, emotional makeups differ and sexual openness will vary. There will also be the occasional man who hates even a finger in his ass because it hurts, or even if it doesn’t hurt ass play is just not his thing. They are out there. But for the overwhelming majority of men…it feels incredible. Really incredible.

Reassuring the Women

If you are a woman reading this and you have doubts about pegging your husband/boyfriend/significant other because you can’t see how he could possibly enjoy it…please, do read on. I have become a firm believer that the only way to be good at giving anal sex is to receive it. Many women have been on the receiving end of bad anal sex. You know the kind. The well-meaning inexperienced guy shoves his spit-on cock up your ass because he doesn’t have a clue that you can’t treat an ass like a vagina (that’s what they do in the porn movies, right?)….and it fucking hurts like hell…so you never, ever want to have anal sex again…ever. I know this happens more than people realize. So maybe years go by…and now a guy is asking you to fuck him in the ass? I see how you could be confused. Here’s the secret:

Anal sex done correctly does not hurt.

Without going into the specifics of how to peg your guy (that is elsewhere on this website), what I want to make sure that you realize is that not only will it not hurt your man if you do it right, there is a very good chance he will be over the moon, singing, swooning and having orgasms more intense than anything he’s ever experienced! So if you have found your way to my website because your guy is asking you to peg him…chances are he may have already found out on his own that anal stimulation feels amazing or he’s heard that it is and would love to explore with you. Awesome – one more way to experience intimate pleasure as a couple. Keep reading.

Why does Pegging feel so good to men?

Two words. Prostate gland. Direct stimulation of a man’s prostate gland can feel as good as a woman’s G-spot feels when stimulated. Really. So yes…it can absolutely bring a man thrilling, orgasmic sensations as well as actual orgasms with stimulation of his cock and sometimes even…without touching his cock at all.

Reassuring the Men

If you have found your way to this website you may be one of the incredibly lucky men whose woman has actually approached you with the idea of pegging. And yes, you are quite fortunate. Or perhaps you have heard or read about the potential pleasure involved and just wanted to learn more. No matter how you got here, if you are at all questioning whether strap-on sex can be enjoyable, rest assured that it can indeed bring you exquisite pleasure and is well worth exploring with your partner. You have the potential to delight in orgasms ten times more powerful than anything you have ever experienced , orgasms that produce prodigious amounts of come. Some men can orgasm without touching their cock, and those “hands-free” orgasms can not only be the most exquisite of all, some men attain multiple orgasms that way as well. How could you possibly read all that and not at least give it a try?!

Yes, Pegging feels…incredible. And here’s a Newsflash:

Women can orgasm from pegging, too.

 

What the Men Say About Pegging Orgasms

“The best way I know to describe it is very close to a female orgasm. They start in my tummy/pelvis and radiate through my body in wave after wave of pleasure. No, I do not experience any kind of ejaculation either. Many times I am left lying there limp as a rag doll.”

“I haven’t had many experiences but every time a woman has used her strap-on and taken my ass…I’ll get super hard and cum very hard too.”

“I have very strong to the point of shaking orgasms and just a gusher of cum, hit the ceiling strong.”

“I absolutely can orgasm, in a very non-male way.. no ejaculate… As described by a few others, it’s sort of a mind/brain short circuiting body sensory meltdown.. I shake and quiver uncontrollably, breath very short and rapidly, and become incredibly sensitive to sounds and touch… This can go for several minutes (in one case), but usually only lasts 30-60 seconds… When it’s done I feel like I’ve run a marathon.. Exhausted and quivering… It leaves my mind cleared out like shaking an etch-a-sketch… Sign me up anytime for more :)”

Ya know, I’m very skeptical… So much BS spread around… I decided to try this and prove you all wrong… I fired up my fucking machine with a moderate dildo, and ran it for 25 minutes… Nothing… Then I recalled a few prostate orgasm videos which showed what everybody is talking about.. Watching the technique and pressure they used, I decided to try a firmer, plastic g spot vibrator…after a few minutes, the feeling grew intense, and all my muscles involuntarily tense and I let out this deep throated groan losing all control.. The muscles released, and I was panting for my breath.. A few minutes later .. The same… 4 times in 20 minutes… I can only conclude they were anal orgasms… No ejaculate.. Just extreme contractions…I can’t wait to do it again… It truly happens… Amazing experience…I’m a believer!

Kudos to those of you who allowed me to use your comments here. Thanks for sharing descriptions of your orgasmic pegging experience with us and here’s hoping it convinces a few of the curious to give it a try.

Note: Pain is an indicator. If you experience pain with anal stimulation despite slow exploration with small fingers/toys and plenty of lube, get checked by your doctor just to make sure you do not have a medical condition that needs attention.

23. October 2013 · 4 comments · Categories: Blog · Tags: ,

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Attention Anal Newbies

Is he new at receiving ass play? Are you new at giving it?

Here are some suggestions for you women who want to begin to explore your man’s ass before donning that strap-on and going for the pegging.

 

Preparation

  • Brush up on your in-bed communication skills if you need to because the most important part about all of this is to stay in communication with each other.
  • Look at a map of the prostate gland and get a general idea of where it is located.
  • Make sure your fingernails are non-existent. Or push cotton balls into the fingers of a glove with a pen and wear the glove.
  • He needs to be fresh out of the shower. Exterior – Simple soap and rinse of his anal area will leave it clean for play. At this point you need to take into consideration the sensitivities of the couple. If either of you are freaked out about encountering a small amount of fecal matter he can rinse his rectal canal with this or this (emptied out and refilled with plain water) while in the shower.  An enema is not necessary. If you are both less sensitive to that and are okay with that very occasionally being part of the territory he can skip the rinse out and just make sure his bowels are empty. Have wipes or towels handy and you are golden!
  • Don’t be drunk or significantly altered, be fully present. Limit yourself to one drink if either of you need it to relax.

 

Getting down to it

  • Remember to have fun and don’t rush.
  • Do some foreplay before going straight for his ass. (It’s his turn for foreplay!) Kissing, a little bit of a blowjob or handjob so he’s hard and excited; in a state where normally he would be ready to fuck you.
  • Then, he needs to lie down and relax. Face down with a pillow underneath his hips is usually most comfortable for him to receive and you to explore.
  • Rimming if you are into it is a great way to start. It feels amazing and is a great precursor to anal exploration. The tongue feels so warm and cozy that you just want to open up your ass and let it in. This is good because that’s exactly what needs to happen. So have fun with the rimming if you’re down with that.
  • Get out the lube and apply liberally
  • This next part use gloves if you have fingernails or if you just prefer them for anal play.
  • Play with his ass with one finger pushing in just a little ways and then back out, slowly. Do that for a while. Sometimes he will ask for more. Gradually push your longest finger into his ass all the way. Remember where the prostate is; in this position it is in and down. You should just be able to reach it with your longest finger. You are trying to feel a round firm place about the size of a walnut. It is easier to feel if he is aroused. Stroke it don’t poke it! (Credit for this line goes to The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure by Charlie Glickman and Aislinn Emirzian). Sometimes it is hard to find so don’t worry if you can’t locate it right away. The more excited he is the easier it will be to find because it begins to fill with fluid. (Rare, but some women cannot reach the prostate because their fingers are not long enough.)
  • While your finger is inside him you can put your thumb on his taint and push or rub gently there, too. This basically lets you stimulate the prostate from inside and outside.
  • Experiment gently with faster, slower, stroking in different directions, firmer or softer pressure and get his feedback about what he likes best. Try to get really good at exactly what he likes best.
  • If it is comfortable for him, gently and slowly push in another finger. When I say slowly, I mean centimeters at a time. You can use your other hand to play with his balls, rub his ass or his back. Keep it sensual.
  • Instead of continuing to push your fingers in relentlessly, stop when you sense the pressure is too much or he asks you to wait for a bit. Back out and than go back in. Tease his ass; giving him a chance to open up more.
  • If he cannot take another finger, he might want to stop there and continue exploring the next night (or day). This is perfectly okay! More time for anticipation and gradual exploration.
  • If he’s had enough ass play – then continue your play in your favorite way. Afterwards talk about how the ass play felt, what you both liked best, if there was anything that you didn’t like and ask questions if you have them. Talk about what you want to try next time.

 

If he wants to keep going

  • You can either use a small toy or a dildo, whichever you have. No larger in diameter than 1.25″, smaller is fine. Make sure the toy is anal safe with a flared base and non-toxic. Hold it in your hand – it’s too soon for the harness.
  • Reapply lube. (Do this often with fingers and toys, whenever you even think you need it. Anal penetration feels so much better with a lot of lube.)
  • When you penetrate his anus with the toy, once again go very slowly. Initial penetration technique is important so listen up – Push until you feel that resistance or he says to wait and then stop pushing. Do not back off and do not push forward, just stay there. This is important because when his sphincter opens if you are still pushing forward you can all of a sudden push it abruptly all the way inside him – not fun. Perhaps you’ve had that happen to you?
  • If you can feel him pushing back to meet you, you know that it’s okay to go forward.
  • Do not bottom out hard – this can feel bad in the beginning. Depends on how long your toy is and how much his ass can handle. Don’t be in a hurry to push it all the way inside him; his prostate isn’t that far in anyway and that’s usually where it feels the best.
  • Once in, just hold it there for a bit – 30 – 45 seconds or so. Let him get used to the feel of it.
  • Begin to stroke in and out very slowly
  • Talk to him – feel okay? Do you like me fucking your ass? Do you want more? Keep it sexy instead of clinical.
  • Remember where the prostate is. Experiment with changing the angle of the toy to see if it will feel better in different positions (this is what men who are good lovers do when they are fucking you).
  • At this point he may want to get up on his knees so that he has more freedom to move and add to the motion.
  • DO NOT WORRY if he is not hard. If you are concerned whether he is having a good time or not – just ask.
  • Talk to him. Keep going? Harder/softer/faster/slower?
  • Ask him if his cock wants attention (if he hasn’t already got it in his hand). Many men say yes – some say no because cock stimulation interferes with the sensations of the prostate for some men.

 

If he wants cock stimulation

  • Here you can decide to keep going and give him a handjob (if he wants that or wants to do it himself) or have him turn over and lay on his back for a handjob/blowjob. He may be ready to turn over if he’s been on his stomach and/or knees a while.

 

If he stays on his knees

  • You can either kneel on the bed on one side of him so that you can use the dildo and stroke his cock more easily or you can stay behind him and reach around for his cock – whatever works.

 

If he turns over

  • Your position will be on your knees with your legs spread so that your knees are on the outside of his hips and under his bent knees. This position will give you a balance point so that you can use the dildo with one hand and give him a blowjob or handjob with the other. Again – if he wants to stroke his own cock – rock on.

 

An Orgasm in Not Necessary

  • Just go with whatever feels right for him. Some men cannot get hard or orgasm when something is in their ass. Some men get rock hard the moment anything is in their ass. Don’t make orgasm the goal, have it be about the pleasure of the exploration, the fun of trying something new and the amazing sensations you can find along the way.

 

Here’s why I went into so much detail with this topic. Because when you finally strap on, ladies, the learning curve is steep because you were not born with a cock. You don’t know how to move, balance, make it do what you want. Takes practice. So if you take the time to explore your man’s ass in the manner described above, you will already have a sense of what you are trying to duplicate with your strap-on because you’ve figured out what he loves with your fingers and holding that dildo in your hand. That is why these steps are so important for pegging newbies!

Sure, you can just go down to the local toy store and get some equipment, come home and dive in and it might turn out okay or it might turn out badly. The thing is, you will both be missing so much potential pleasure. Sexual exploration is not something to be rushed. It is best done relaxed, playfully, curiously, with lots of communication and luxuriating in every moment of new sensation.

 

©Ruby Ryder

 

Pegging 101 Interview Podcast #1

You’ve all heard me talk about going to a sex worker as an option for those men who really want to try out pegging and cannot find a partner to try it with.  This man did it! And called me up to tell me the story. Give a listen – it might just change your mind a little about going to a professional…

 

Smooth muscle does not become stronger with use. It cannot withstand significant trauma, but it is fairly elastic and you have to stretch it quite a bit to cause irreversible damage. Depending on your physiology, that limit is probably a one time stress to a diameter 2x as large as your average stool. A subject that often comes up with people new to pegging is whether permanent damage can occur from regular participation in anal strap-on sex. Well, engaging in extreme penetration, forcing, using sharp objects or not using lube, of course none of these are advisable. They are asking for trouble. But what about more ‘normal’ pegging? And what is ‘normal’, anyway? There is not a lot of information on the internet that isn’t sex-negative, alarmist and sometimes just plain wrong. And although there are many men (and women) who have had a lot of anal sex even sometimes with larger toys (or penises) and very few have any issues with incontinence, people seem to need more reassurance that this activity we love, pegging, is not going to end up causing lasting damage years down the line.

 

Looking to find the answer to these questions, I did an internet search for information and found this quote from Violet Blue:

The notion of losing bowel control due to frequent anal penetration is a hurtful myth, perpetuated by our culture’s shame about anal sex. It is usually directed at gay men, though since anal sex has become popular with heterosexual couples, that myth has followed into mainstream culture, no thinks to pundits who confuse opinion for fact, such as Dr. Drew.

In fact, playing with anal penetration for pleasure actually tones the muscles, stimulates healthy blood flow to the area, and is a great form of exercise for the sphincter muscles. The more you use the muscles, the better shape they will be in — though because they are smooth muscles, not like the muscles in your biceps, they can’t be “bulked up” so you don’t have to worry about them becoming bigger from “too many” orgasms! Oh, if only there was such a thing as too many orgasms… I digress.

But as long as you don’t rush, you stop when you feel pain, and don’t do anything to damage the tissue, you may find that you have even better bootie control than before.

-Violet Blue-

So I posted it, adopted that opinion and then received a comment correcting and elaborating on the above assertion from a person I suspect is a health professional. I was not able to verify their credentials. But I assumed that was the case from the physiological specificity of the information. The problem is that no health professional is going to step forward and publicly give their opinion about how safe (or not) pegging is. So I chose not only to believe the information that was offered but to share it as widely as possible – with full disclosure as to the anonymous nature of the submission.

I’m a supporter, and this post will probably get deleted, but…

Talk to a surgeon or spend some time in dissection and you’ll see that it’s not really a myth. Many of the muscles in the anal sphincter are composed of smooth muscle, which are used in your eyelids and a couple other places.

Smooth muscle does not become stronger with use. It cannot withstand significant trauma, but it is fairly elastic and you have to stretch it quite a bit to cause irreversible damage. Depending on your physiology, that limit is probably a one time stress to a diameter 2x as large as your average stool.

If you’re “hammering”, that diameter is probably a lot smaller. But since we don’t have much in the way of before and after clinical exams, nobody knows the safety limits. Because the supplementary muscles are very strong, and we can control them, many people think that it’s simply a question of relaxing. It isn’t.

In truth, by the time you can consciously relax the sphincter to admit large objects, the smooth muscle has probably had a tear or two and isn’t much of a concern anymore. From a practical point of view all it did anyway was keep small amounts of flatulence and liquid waste (mostly water not absorbed in the large bowel) from escaping… not a big problem with most diets.

The ring can tolerate about 2 or 3 significant (painful) tears before it loses enough function to be unimportant in your ability to tolerate “intrusion”. On the bright side: Many overweight or obese people will already have suffered one or more of these tears starting as early as puberty, so it’s not the end of the world. You can get these events from constipation, straining or unusually dry or large bowel movements. This is why so many people think there’s no problem with introducing objects into the rectum.

Can you wreck it from repeated trauma? Certainly. You don’t have to watch much porn to see serious problems in people who have voluntarily subjected themselves to trauma. But thanks to our voluntary control of the other muscles, it doesn’t mean you’ll need diapers.

For the most part, until you’re in your late 70′s, the only person who will suffer from minor anal incontinence will be the person who does your laundry.

Lastly – there’s no science, but the prostate can indeed be bruised with negative effects. Trim those nails, and don’t use hard objects. Good luck!

 

I replied -

I am always interested in corrections, information and differing viewpoints – so of course I would not delete your comment! I love learning.

First of all – Thank you. This is excellent and very specific physiological information! I am curious to know your qualifications because you sound quite knowledgeable. I’d like to disseminate this information in a more front page way (on all the forums/websites I participate in) to everyone who is looking for it as opposed to hoping they find it hidden in the comments of a blog post. But I’d love to know your qualifications, first – messaged to me in private if you wish.

So tell me if I have this right, please…

1) Muscle tone of the inner sphincter is not built up or improved with more strap-on play. Can it be for the outer sphincter?

2) It is not all about relaxing. Small tears can occur but they are no more serious than tears which can occur normally with constipation, straining or unusually dry or large bowel movements.

3) “But thanks to our voluntary control of the other muscles, it doesn’t mean you’ll need diapers.” I want to understand here – there are 2 sphincters in the rectum, correct? The inner sphincter is involuntary and the outer is voluntary. So does that mean that the damage you describe is only to the inner involuntary? And the outer voluntary overrides the damage in terms of possible incontinence?

4) After all that…As long as you are “reasonable” in your play – not too large, too fast, too hard, sharp objects – you are likely not going to have a problem.

Response:

PS – Please don’t get the idea that I’m bashing your stand. I just spend a lot of time around asses.

Violet Blue’s expertise on that question is a valuable opinion, just like that of some random proctology surgical tech who fancies a good time now and then.

I would submit that asking a jockey what’s good for the horse will get an answer that might not match up with that of the honest race track vet.

Sorry, anon for a reason.

But…

Some doctors smoke cigars even though they know the risks.

But they generally don’t smoke a cigar a day, either. It’s the same with everything else, as well. Humans are pretty creative, and this particular hobby of yours has been around (documented) for at least 5 or 6 thousand years, and has flourished more than once in the last seven centuries.

It’s not unlike drinking diet or regular soft drink every day – it’s slowly stripping away your enamel and etching your teeth with every sip. But it’s not actively killing you.

If you cut down to one or two per week, the effect is still noticeable (to people who pay close attention) but nowhere near as bad as people who drink soft drinks every day. If you drink soft drinks every day, especially if you consume two or more soft drinks (or nurse a large one all day), I guarantee that your teeth will develop hairline cracks, start losing structural integrity and suffer significant loss of enamel. Total elapsed time to seeing the damage: 10 years on average, perhaps 20 if you have amazing genes.

But you won’t see any change from one day to the next, until it’s way too late to realize how far it’s gone. Your hygienist may not even notice any change unless he or she keeps amazingly detailed records.

Luckily, the story for the other end of the alimentary canal is a bit different, at least until you get near the end of your life. Human anatomy is not really standardized. It’s just generally amazingly “similar” in form and function between individuals.

A quick review of any decently illustrated anatomy book will give you a good idea of how the equipment is generally connected, but it won’t tell you much about the actual equipment you’ll be working with.

It won’t tell you how far you can dilate a rectum without causing trauma, or how much [long technical term that translates into how vigorously and with what friction coefficient you can thrust against the mucous membranes ] aka “action” will result in noticeable micro-tears or scarring, and it certainly won’t tell you how much impact the prostate can take without causing significant cell damage.

Why? We have no data… just a few random anecdotes. Try getting a public health grant to study the physio-mechanics of anal sex. It will never happen. The best one could hope for is to persuade someone to wrap the research into a series of rather technical porn films, but no credible doctor would touch it. And even if 50 couples were to agree to submit to a clinical study, there are no protocols. Instant loss of reputation, and with that, loss of income. If you think the syphilis experiments were ethically problematic, you’ll probably have to admit that inducing various failures in the rectum [for science!] might be a bit sketchy.

So we’re not going to accumulate credible scientific evidence, period.

Luckily, we have inference, personal experience and some clinical data from ER trauma cases. It’s not uncommon for patients to be admitted for clinical observation after blunt object trauma, or in cases of rape. It’s not exactly the same, because in many of these cases, the patient was attacked or assaulted. That’s very, very different from willing and consensual activity, but it at least gives us a reference point to calibrate our conclusions with. Most of the trauma occurs from involuntary action, inadequate lubrication and unrealistic expectations. (Really, what kind of fool thinks putting a glass object into a rectum is a good idea?)

But rather than write a treatise, let me just hit the highlights:

  • penetration through walls
  • Hemorrhoids
  • minor and major friction tears
  • sphincters being torn or split
  • large muscle tears
  • prolapse
  • bruising

Through wall penetration probably won’t happen if you pick your objects correctly. If it’s pointy, it had better be really, really soft. Otherwise, non-rigid objects are unlikely to perforate unless they’re moving really fast or have a significant length of travel relative to diameter, or unless you’re already at the limit of accommodation.

The big H is usually what causes pain and bleeding for most people. If you sit all day, or have children or eat a lousy diet, you’ll eventually suffer from a little red blood, sting and pain and occasionally a thrombosed vein might break and scare you. Eat more fiber and drink less pop. It looks scary and terrible, but hardly anyone ever died from a bleeding bottom.

Friction tears can be avoided with lubrication to a great extent, but it depends on viscosity, heat and displacement. If you’re well coated, and not moving fast enough to displace or dry out the lubricant, you should be OK. If you’re moving quickly, or the lubrication is being absorbed or going away due to other things, or the viscosity is changing from heat, you can start tearing things. You might even trigger a tear in an existing thrombosed vein, and then you’ll be bleeding for a while. It can be scary, but they’ll probably heal up.

If the object is significantly larger than the opening, lubricant can be wiped off enough that dry spots develop, and then bad things happen more often. It’s like the difference between dusting your windows and scrubbing them – even glass can suddenly cause friction if you press hard or fast enough. Minor tears will open the cells on the top layer (and it isn’t very thick – just a few cells) but major tears will shed layers or cause bleeding. They’ll probably heal, but it can take days or weeks.

I’ll leave out the disease vectors, susceptibility to infection and immune response from this, but you should try to keep everything reasonably sterile. I guess flora and fauna are a completely different topic, but let’s just say that interesting things happen with improvised lubes. Saliva is basically worthless.

All Sphincters have four maximums: How far, how fast, how often and rest/recovery time. You cannot judge the limits by anything other than direct visual observation(unlikely) and pain. The problem is that pain usually occurs as the failure limit is breached. A tear or breach will heal, but it will change the equation because it now consists of scar tissue. Elasticity is reduced with each tear, and after around three tears, it is unlikely to close completely ever again. It’s common for this to happen even without objects.

This isn’t the end of the world for your sport, because a lot of people (men and women) manage to tear them via repeated fecal constipation starting at puberty – and even in infants. It hurts. It hurts a lot. But then it stops hurting and life goes on. It isn’t debilitating, but you’ll need to wash more often. It can be worse with loose stools, or fluid leakage, especially if you strain a lot, or have gas. But sharting is now apparently mainstream, so I wouldn’t worry too much.

A major muscle tear is a bigger issue. It’s seen with blunt object trauma and rape. You can have ongoing pain issues from something like this, because the muscles will heal again one way or the other, and it might not be how you want it to heal. You can avoid this by limiting the size and length of your objects. Past this, you’re in fisting territory, and you should ask someone else. Vaginas are way better at size excursions than rectums, largely because the muscles stretch a lot better.

Prolapse is caused by the lining separated from the relatively weak support structure. It happens even without sex, and it’s a well known phenomena with lots of documentation. Limiting speed and size and using proper lubrication will go a long way – apart from muscle decay, you basically have to actively pull or push the rectum out to make that happen. Repeated attempts with inadequate lubrication can cause this to get started.

Bruising is important, but I would suggest that you avoid objects and activities that if imitated in your mouth would damage (hurt or bruise) your soft palate. This immediately rules out the use of captain crunch cereal and milk as a lubricant.

There is some evidence from the prostatic massage crowd that the prostate gland can be harmed(?) by repeated impact from rigid objects, but everything is anecdotal at this point. In general, I’d be more worried about friction and rough impact on the prostate than I would the sphincter. Steer away from glass, hard plastic, wood and the like in favor of softer objects, and make sure things slide over rather than impact. This implies that the shape and materials should be examined closely.

You should be VERY careful about fingernails of even normal length – put a cotton ball or two in the finger tip of your glove if you have even normal length fingernails – and don’t use bare hands.

Finally, stretching will occur, but over time the outer sphincter will almost always recover from anything other than tearing or splitting.

Some people feel that they can go to the bathroom more easily if they periodically do things like this, but some have the opposite experience. Anatomy varies, so there is no one rule fits all recommendation.

It’s more important to watch for edema (puffiness) around the rectum – I suspect that’s how you know when to lay off for a day or two.

On the whole, within limits, this is probably 50x safer than riding a motorcycle. If you’re going to be gentle, it’s probably very low risk. If you’re going to slam it and slam it hard, fast and often you should probably be more concerned about lubrication and trying not to pulverize the prostate with pointy, hard or rigid objects.

Many of the toys being marketed are probably too hard for repeated direct impact on this gland, and there is some evidence that too much pressure may be bad (making infections worse) – it is a gland, after all. They’re not particularly rugged. Go buy a bratwurst, warm it up and put a condom on it. You’ll break it long before you break anything else.

And like I said, some doctors smoke.

 

OK – here’s the anatomical info.

Female Pelvis

Female Pelvis

Male Pelvis

Male Pelvis

Rectum and Anal Canal

Rectum and Anal Canal

 

Look at the two illustrations called “male pelvis” and “female pelvis”. Keep in mind, these are colorized anatomy illustrations, and the actual bodies are from people who donated themselves to science… hence the openings appear larger than they usually are in people who still move.

You can see a couple of interesting things, including the relationship between the inner and outer sphincters. Keep in mind that these are normally closed. In some people the distance through the anal canal is pretty short – an inch or so, and in some people it can be 2x that, or more rarely 3″. Very rarely.

The distance to the posterior lobe of the prostate gland is usually around 1/3 to 1/2 the distance to the sigmoid colon – and the shape and the size of the bowel cavity varies quite a bit based on genetic and environmental factors. It can be as little as 1/4 of the distance depending on age or height.

In the illustration labeled “Rectum and Anal Canal”, you will see why people feel pain under varying conditions. The photographic illustrations don’t show the valves and the relationship and functions of the sphincters very well.

The first place where pain can appear is from forcing the exterior or interior sphincter past the elastic capability limit – especially if you do it quickly or without adequate preparation. Ouch! If the trauma (stretching) occurs very slowly, your body can repair the scar tissue in a way that accommodates displacement and simulates greater elasticity.

 

The next place is upon contact with and displacement of the rectal valves. You have some ability to move these out of the way or relax them, but in essence you’re trying to convince the rectum that it should open up. Your ability to do this may vary, but few people can pull this trick off on the first few tries.

Millions of women experience this (and I guess many men) from over- enthusiasm from their partners… who get in a little ways and then decide to “seal the deal” before the body has adjusted. Big Mistake, because there’s a good chance that the healing will leave large nodes of scar tissue in places that make future activities painful – apart from the psychological issues.

This is why some people feel pain with small objects that other people can barely notice. The external anal sphincter is quite strong and resilient, and it has three sets of backup muscles that work together. You have to really push it to traumatize all of these to the point that you can’t function anymore, but the interior sphincter isn’t quite so rugged. But again, it can be damaged “naturally” enough that it doesn’t really come into play that much in a large number of adults.

 

So that’s the deal. We’ve been around for millions of years, and our bodies are designed to try and cope with being torn apart by fangs and claws. Short of perforation or intentionally/accidentally exceeding the “it still feels OK” limit, you’re probably OK to play around like this with a little caution.

But anyone who thinks using objects around three-fingers wide is no big deal probably has already done about as much damage as they can to the interior sphincter. Beyond this, soreness is your best guide, although pain will probably be referred away to your lower abdomen or perineum rather than feeling like your ass hurts.

Note: If it stings or causes sharp pains, you should stop immediately and do something else for a day or two. Ask yourself if you’re hitting rectal valves, or potentially bruising tissue. Repeated and frequent bruising can lead to cancer or other annoying things – once or twice a month is probably the limit for your high speed pile driver imitations. Watch for puffiness in the rectal folds, and be patient if you see swelling that wasn’t there before. Minor swelling is to be expected, but if it looks really puffy, it’s time to back off for a while.

Also, don’t put hydro cortisone or cortisone products in the rectum – they thin out skin layers, which is the last thing you want in an already thin layer of cells.

 

And btw this is not medical advice. YMMV. I’d just like for people to understand the anatomy before they get crazy – a rectum is a lot of things, but it isn’t a coffee can!

 

Recap of Important Points:

  • “…by the time you can consciously relax the sphincter to admit large objects, the smooth muscle has probably had a tear or two and isn’t much of a concern anymore. From a practical point of view all it did anyway was keep small amounts of flatulence and liquid waste…”
  • “Smooth muscle does not become stronger with use. It cannot withstand significant trauma, but it is fairly elastic and you have to stretch it quite a bit to cause irreversible damage. Depending on your physiology, that limit is probably a one time stress to a diameter 2x as large as your average stool.”
  • “Finally, stretching will occur, but over time the outer sphincter will almost always recover from anything other than tearing or splitting.”
  • “The external anal sphincter is quite strong and resilient, and it has three sets of backup muscles that work together. You have to really push it to traumatize all of these to the point that you can’t function anymore, but the interior sphincter isn’t quite so rugged. But again, it can be damaged “naturally” enough that it doesn’t really come into play that much in a large number of adults.”
  • “If you’re going to slam it and slam it hard, fast and often you should probably be more concerned about lubrication and trying not to pulverize the prostate with pointy, hard or rigid objects.”

My opinion after taking in all this information:Look – anecdotally, even guys who indulge in fisting on a semi-regular basis do not complain of fecal incontinence. Are there studies? No. Will there be? No. As long as you aren’t stupid about it in all the ways we have already discussed (too large, too fast, no lube, hard or sharp objects) especially when you combine more than one of those at a time…AND as long as you pay attention to problem signs like pain or soreness and stop immediately. AND as long as you don’t do the REALLY brainless move of using a desensitizing lubricant…you should be good. But please consider the risks and play with care.

 

Please feel free, if you are a medical professional – to comment on the accuracy or inaccuracy of the above information – the more anonymous health professionals we have who concur – that lends a tad more credibility to this subject!

 

If you are a man who wants to approach your woman about pegging this article is for you.

(If you are a woman who wants to approach your man about pegging, click here.)

 

http://isissandosiriss.tumblr.com/image/28677070563

http://isissandosiriss.tumblr.com/image/28677070563

I Don’t Want Her to Think I’m a Freak

For you gentlemen who have an established relationship and you want more than anything to convince your partner to peg you…what is the best way to do this? How can you approach your lady…and let her know that pegging is what you fantasize about, dream about…that you’d like nothing more than to have her slide a smooth silicone cock slowly up your ass? And how can you get this idea across without her thinking…you are a freak/gay/twisted/weird? I will do my very best to try and help you here…but please realize there are many contributing factors. While some of you may be able to just casually mention your interest and quickly find yourselves shopping for the right dildo, others will find that despite their best efforts, their partner won’t consider pegging…at all, period, end of discussion, case closed. But let us remain hopeful…


Communication and GGG

First, communication is the key. You need to be able to ask for what you want. If you can’t open your mouth and talk with your partner about sex, she is not going to magically intuit that you want to get fucked up the ass with a dildo. If you demand instead of ask…that’s not likely to meet with any success, either. Take a good long look at your relationship first. Do your very best to practice Dan Savage‘s GGG – Good, Giving and Game. “Think ‘good in bed,’ ‘giving equal time and equal pleasure,’ and ‘game for anything—within reason.'” If you just want to find one more way to please yourself and you don’t really give a flying fuck about her pleasure, don’t bother asking for anything until you get your act together…seriously. We are not just talking about your lady’s willingness to peg you…we are also talking about the state of your relationship with her…Think about it. Make sure you take into consideration her state of mind and whether she is stressed out with time demands, work, children, etc. Do your best to alleviate her stress and make sure you contribute equally to the relationship.

If you are indeed GGG and think you have a partner who is so open to new things while remaining unaffected by misconceptions and stereotypes that you can just tell her straight away that you would like to try pegging, by all means go for it. Some men actually have success this way! But be forewarned that you may also put her off the idea for good. Big risk. If you even get a hint that any part of her will be reticent about the idea for whatever reason she may have, I’d advise using a different, more gradual approach. Keep reading.

 

Important – Do Not Ask For Strap-on Play Right Off!

Patience is the key here. Many women when asked for strap-on play right off the bat have refused because they have no idea what pleasure the prostate can bring. Also, they have nothing to counter the usual misconceptions connected with pegging. If those same men would have asked just for fingers to start with it’s likely that some of the women who refused would have indulged their men in an attempt to bring him pleasure and then discovered just how amazing it could be for their man. So remember, have patience and ask for fingers first. Bide your time.

Next, let’s divide your women into two general categories: those who accept anal stimulation themselves and those who don’t.

 

She’s Into Anal

If your lady has already shown a willingness to engage in anal play, you have a foot in the door. If she is willing to let you put a finger or toy or your cock in her ass, there is a much better chance she will consent to exploring yours. Tell her you can see she is enjoying it and you want to see what it feels like. Or…you read an article about prostate orgasms and want to experiment. Or you heard from a friend/read on the internet that men can have insanely powerful orgasms with a lot of come and you’d like to try it out just to see what happens!

 

She’s Not Into Anal

This is a more difficult category, guys. Maybe you have a woman who has always refused anything anal; you touch her anus and she flinches or pulls away. There can be a lot of reasons for this. Perhaps she was told as a child her anus is dirty and should never be touched. Perhaps she thinks that only sluts have anal sex. Perhaps she is a bit of a germaphobe. Maybe she’s just totally grossed out by anything to do with excrement. Or maybe it’s just as simple as she has not yet been able to open up and own her sexuality without being concerned about what other people think. Sometimes that comes with age. Any or all of these could be true. Or…it could also be true that no one has ever played with her ass before (including you) and she just doesn’t know how pleasurable it can be.

Be aware that there are women out there that just don’t like receiving any kind of anal - yet that does not preclude their interest in fucking you! So even if your partner is not into anal at all – she could still be an enthusiastic pegger. Receiving anal herself is not a requirement. So if your partner gladly slips a finger up your ass during a blow job but steadfastly refuses to let anything near her ass, this is still good news. Just skip down to Offer Another Trade.

 

For the woman who is not into anal, consider the following approaches and ideas:

Explore Her Ass First

Two ways to do this…only you know your partner well enough to know which one might work best.

1) Get her incredibly horny (oral, kissing, nipple play, etc.) and ask if you can please, please, please play with her ass. Put your pride aside and fucking beg, if that’s what it takes. Promise her that you will only use your lips, tongue (if you are into rimming) and one finger or a small toy; your cock is not going to come anywhere near her ass. Because that is the fear of many women – the ignorant and savage thrust of a cock up an ass as if it were a pussy has put many women off anal sex….forever. So you need to go at this ultra-slow. And no matter how tempting it is for you to slide your cock into her ass…don’t do it unless she asks for it! And even if she asks for it, continue to tease and play and open her up for a while until she’s begging for it and you can easily put 2 – 3 fingers inside her. If she doesn’t ask for it…do some ass play as foreplay and then fuck her vaginally. Afterward, wax poetic about how totally hot that was to play with her ass and you absolutely loved it. The idea here is to get her used to ass play in general before asking her to peg you…and to wake her ass up to the pleasure potential there. Important: while you are playing with her ass keep the communication lines open and keep asking her if she likes what you are doing as you try different things.

2) Discuss your desire to play with her ass when you are not in bed, when you are having some close together time. Ask her if she would be willing to let you play with her there…that you promise it won’t hurt and just the thought of it really gets you excited (and you swear you will absolutely not put your cock up her ass). Reassure her, if it seems necessary, that you will love and respect her no matter what you two do in bed, and you will attend to cleanliness issues in whatever way helps her to feel comfortable. If you are not into rimming or the thought of it grosses her out, fingers and small toys are fine…even a small toy that vibrates! If she agrees, proceed as described above. If she becomes receptive to anal play, consider anal beads and experiment with pulling the beads out at the moment of orgasm trick. Find out what she likes best – ask questions!

 

Offer a Trade

If she is reticent – offer a trade. Tell her that if she will let you play with her ass one night, you will do whatever she wants the next night. And be ready to fulfill any reasonable request of hers. This is all about mutual pleasure. If you can get her to enjoy anal play…it is much easier to introduce the concept of her exploring your ass. (If she refuses – see below “Show her How Good it Feels For You”.)

Once you have played with her ass several times very successfully (not necessarily even fucked it) you can try talking with her about how you would really like to know how ass play feels. You can see how much she is enjoying it, and you read/heard that orgasms for men can be insanely powerful with anal play. Don’t mention the strap-on yet. If she goes for it – excellent! If she is still reticent…

 

Offer Another Trade

Tell her you will trade her one night of pleasing her in whatever way she likes best (it’s all about her) for a night where she indulges you in some ass play (it’s all about you). Suggest that if there is something she’s wanted to try but hasn’t asked for yet, this would be a fine time to put it on the table, as you are very interested in pleasing her sexually in the way she wants to be pleased. And you’d like to explore your interests as well. Just be ready to put on the lace panties or paint her nails or whatever it is she wants. As long as it is not a hard limit – it would behoove you to indulge her…just as you are asking her to indulge you.

 

Resistant? Start Off Slow

Do not go straight to asking her to fuck you in the ass with a dildo! Too much, too fast. Tell her again that you have discovered/read/heard that ass play feels really good for men and you want to explore it with her. Have her try fingers first (gloves if she wants them), giving her nothing but positive feedback if she’s game. Pick out a plug together and ask her to put it in you to wear while you are fucking her or when she is giving you a blow job or hand job. (Invite her to wear it while you are fucking her, too!) Exclaim how amazing your orgasms are with the plug in and suggest you try other toys. Maybe at that point talk with her about strap-ons. Tell her, while looking into her eyes with the best smoking-hot look you can muster, that just the thought of her…wearing a strap-on and doing you…about sends you over the edge. Just the thought.


Choose Your Timing

Do not start a conversation like this when you are in the middle of having sex. Talk with your partner about this out of the bedroom. Otherwise she will feel pressured and believe me – you stand a really good chance of killing the mood…and killing your chances. Choose a time when she is relaxed, receptive and maybe even had a glass or two of wine. An incredibly important point here is that you need to be a partner who is responsive to her needs if you are asking her to be responsive to yours. Read that again and think about it…and if you are not that kind of partner, make those changes before you ask for pegging. Your woman needs to feel that you take very good care of her needs and desires in the bedroom. If she feels that way, she will be much more likely to give you what you are asking for.

 

Confidence

A friend of mine offered another very important point to keep in mind when you ask for what you want. Her words say it best.

“Women are like dogs in that we can smell fear….if, when you ask us to play with your ass, you are worried or nervous, we will sense it and think you’re asking for something weird. If you project confidence that you’re asking for something totally normal, we’re more likely to agree.” Strap-on Jo

 

You’re Gay?!…This Will Turn You Gay!!

Undoubtedly, some of you will encounter the “gay” reaction from your partner. So…

I am going to give you a few choices of what to say if she accuses you of being gay or worries that if she pegs you it will “turn” you gay.

  • “That’s silly, Honey. If fucking a guy in the ass with a dildo makes him gay…then fucking a lesbian with a strap-on will turn her straight!”

Okay, maybe you don’t talk this way…maybe you are at a fine restaurant and trying to have this conversation clandestinely. Here is a toned-down version:

  • “Don’t be silly, Darling. The area of my body that I enjoy having stimulated has no bearing whatsoever on the gender I prefer. I am completely, 100% straight, period. The only person I want playing with me…there…is you.”

Other options:

  • “Nope, I definitely prefer breasts with my strap-on. Would never let a guy near my ass. You got nothin’ to worry about, Babe.”
  • I am just interested in exploring whatever brings us pleasure, Honey…I haven’t switched camps!!”
  • Your pussy is the only thing I want to sink my cock into, and your strap-on is the only thing I am interested in having sunk into me.”

You can also show her or read to her “No, He’s Not Gay” where I go into this in more detail.

 

She’s Freaked Out by Wearing a Cock

I didn’t know this was an issue, because I never had any back off strapping on a dildo. Some women, however, have a real reaction to it. She may think it means she wants a cock and it freaks her out (tell her you know she doesn’t want a cock for real – this is just about using toys to play)…or it feels too much like role reversal and she is really not into that idea (tell her you have no interest in reversing roles…but you are interested in playing with toys)…or it’s just too awkward and she feels foolish (tell her trying something new often feels awkward and that’s okay – you will both figure it out). If your lady has played with your ass and is okay with that, leave the harness aside and let her use the dildo with her hand. Once she tries it she may warm up to the idea of strapping it on. She may not, but one can hope.

 

It’s Dirty

If she’s resistant because of the “dirty” idea, tell her you will prepare by giving yourself an enema and she can use gloves. You will do everything you can to be as clean as possible. This means not eating a lot of crap or drinking alcohol a few days before, too, because that will make your feces stink more than usual. Read “Keeping Things Clean” and take the advised steps to ensure a positive experience for both of you.

 

Do NOT Show Her the Porn

Whatever you do, do NOT show her your favorite porn clip of pegging! I say this because the vast majority of “professional” pegging porn includes aspects of humiliation, feminization and abuse. If you play that way – more power to you, but I suspect if you are here reading this article you have a partner that might be a little more vanilla. The very last thing you want is for her to see that porn showing a guy dressed up as a woman and being beaten while she taunts him and fucks him. Again – this is not a judgment about what turns you or your partner on. I am just saying be aware of what you are exposing her to and how she might react to it. Spend some time looking for a few hot amateur porn clips that are loving and gentle and the man is moaning in ecstasy. They are out there!

 

Show Her How Good it Feels For You

If she is completely unwilling to give or receive anal pleasure and you are not willing to live without it, go ahead and carefully lay your cards on the table that you are very interested in ass play yourself, even if she does not want her ass explored. Consider asking her if you can just put in a butt plug while you fuck her, just to see what it feels like. She won’t have to do anything; you put it in yourself (moan a little). When she sees/hears the intensity of your orgasm, she might be more curious and interested in checking out your ass. This works for women who are sincerely interested in giving their men pleasure. If she doesn’t give a hoot about your pleasure…I don’t have any magic words for you. Maybe call Dan Savage (sex advice columnist) to explore your options.

 

Warning! Read This Before You Act!

Men who would love to experience pegging have fears of expressing their desires, understandably. There are some men who never confess their fantasies much less try to turn them into reality because they are so afraid of or even certain of rejection. Indeed, with the taboo factor and society’s puerile judgment that if a man likes anything anal he must be gay, men’s fears are legitimate. I’m telling you this because you need to make sure your partner is trustworthy before you divulge your innermost sexual desires to them. Only you can make that judgment call. And I so wish I had a magic wand for you. On one hand I would love to see you guys let go of your fears and express your desires to your partner.

I have heard amazing stories of men who did just that and their women, after initial surprise, agreed to try it and ended up loving the feeling of fucking their husbands. I have heard stories of how it totally renewed the sexual spark in a relationship of many years. Yet I have also heard sad stories of women who called their husband gay and never fucked them again. Honestly, I just want to slap those women for being so sexually fucked up and for being so cruel to their husbands. So again…we come back to the point that your relationship needs to be solid, intimate, sexual, trusting, open and communicative. If divulging a yearning for pegging might destroy your relationship, you need to decide whether you can go the rest of your life not having your sexual needs met, whether you need to leave the relationship and find someone more sexually compatible or whether you can come to an agreement that you can get your needs met elsewhere. Tough questions.

 

A Request From Ruby

For those of you who have success with your ladies, do me a HUGE favor and ask her what it was exactly that convinced her to try it? Then write me an email and tell me! I want to know what persuades an initially reluctant woman to strap one on and learn to love fucking her man. And then I will do my very best to bring many more women around to the idea….because I know how much you all want it.

 

Gentlemen…I will keep your wanting and willing asses in my thoughts (that’s easy) and hope you all find yourselves enjoying a thorough pegging very soon.

 

Ruby Ryder

 

 

 

 


In the pegging world there are many men looking to explore pegging on a casual basis and not many women who are ready to sink it deep inside them outside the structure of a relationship. When I get letters from these men or find threads asking if there are any women who want to peg them I usually suggest the men either go to a professional or look for a relationship with a woman who is sexually open-minded and attempt to convince her to try it. The relationship route requires patience, dedication, timing and has no guarantee of success, sadly. And perhaps the man is not desirous of a relationship in his life; he just wants to try pegging.

When I suggest the option of a pro, I often see some variation of this response:

Never paid for sex in my life and not going to start. I don’t recommend anyone pay for something you can get for free.

Judgment about sex workers frustrates me. They rock.

But let’s explore this. Can a man find a partner who will peg him for free? Sure. Is it a difficult thing to do unless he is incredibly hot, single and awesome? Well, judging from all the posts on just about every pegging group that allows personals around the internet, I would say the answer to that is an unequivocal yes. Perhaps less difficult if you are from the younger generation (20’s) who seem to be more open-minded around pegging and sexuality in general. But still far from an easy task to accomplish. There are men on forum boards I frequent who have literally been looking for years without success.

Are there actually women out there who love to peg men and would enjoy a wild night of pegging with a relative stranger with no monies exchanging hands? Yes, there are a few here and there. They are exceedingly rare and are usually seeking out the incredibly hot, single and awesome men.

 

For a single man who has never tried pegging, let’s examine the comparison between going to a professional and trying to find a woman to peg him for free.

For Free

You can attempt to find a woman who is into pegging. You can approach a woman you have just met about pegging and possibly have her reject you as a result. You can worry about whether she will go and tell everyone in your social circles that you want to be fucked up the ass after she rejects you. (This may not be a concern for all of you, but if it is, it is a very real concern.)

You can feel uneasy about buying expensive equipment when you aren’t sure if you will even like pegging. You can wonder whether that equipment will fit her correctly and whether she will be able to have an orgasm, if she even wants to. You can worry about whether the steep learning curve will frustrate her and she will refuse to try it again after the first experience. You can hope that she will not hurt you, in her inexperience. And you can hope that the communication between you will be adequate to facilitate a good experience, because good communication is essential for pegging. And good communication takes time to develop.

Don’t mistake me here…experiencing the adventure of strap-on sex with a partner who you are already in a relationship with can be an amazingly life-changing experience. All of those equipment questions, the communication, the learning curve, the making sure you don’t get frustrated or hurt and both of you find pleasure are all still paths you will travel, but you have the foundation of a trusting, loving, communicative relationship to contain it all and help you find your way through any mis-adventures to the ecstasy. You do not have that foundation with a woman you just find and ask to peg you. You can certainly put your efforts towards finding a woman, starting a relationship with her and then asking her. But this option is only good for those men looking for a relationship.

I am not saying that experiencing pegging with a relative stranger never works; it can. But for all the reasons I have outlined, the odds are completely against you, unless you are incredibly hot, single and awesome.

The Professional

Consider the contrast of the professional experience. You contact her. She communicates with you (part of her job) to discover exactly what kind of experience you are looking for. Are you looking to combine a couple of other kinks with the pegging to enhance the experience? Are you completely new to anal play? She asks many questions to discern exactly what you need. She will give you instructions on how to prepare for your visit to her. When you go to see a professional, it is in her best interest to provide you with an optimum experience to the best of her ability so that you will be a satisfied customer and hopefully return or recommend her to others.

You do not have to worry about her inexperience or being rejected by her because of your desire for pegging. You do not need to be concerned about her pleasure or selecting (and paying for) the right equipment. You get to experience pegging for the first time…with someone who knows exactly what they are doing and wants you to have the best experience possible. She will keep your secrets, too!

Additionally, a professional is certainly likely to be more safe, clean and knowledgeable than the woman you met at a party who says sure, I’ll peg you! It’s her job. What professionals offer is the ability to tailor the experience to your desires and fantasies as well as the knowledge to make it happen safely and satisfyingly. You are paying them. It is an equitable exchange; a win-win as it were. Doesn’t that take the stress out of the equation and just let you relax and enjoy? Think about it.

With a professional, you can live out that pegging fantasy just the way you want. And if you discover that you like pegging, then you can bide your time and find a woman when the time is right and try to convince her to try it. Or, you can just continue to get your pegging with professionals and never seek out a relationship if that’s what you want.

I encourage all you “I need a woman to peg me!” guys to consider a professional. It is a valid option for men who want to explore the world of pegging apart from all the complicating factors of a relationship.

(And if you are married or partnered and you go to a professional sex worker – just don’t tell me about it! I tend to have an overemphasis on integrity and honesty and then the self-righteousness comes out…it’s not pretty.)

 

Lastly, to all you lovely sex workers out there:

Thank You.

…for everything you do, for all you know and for all you give.

You rock.

06. July 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: Blog · Tags:

Well…I am not sure whether I am behind the curve a bit, but I have some dildo news for you lovers of cock-shaped toys. Which…if you are at this website, is all of you, right?!

I’ve written at length about toxic toys, and have generally recommended silicone dildos for their sterilizability, harness compatibility and non-toxic attributes.

Manufacturers have been trying for some time to come up with a realistic skin-like material and also to mimic the harder inner core and softer outer later of a real cock. Tip of the hat to the people working on stuff like that – you folks are awesome; trying to give us better and better products for our pleasure! There are a couple of great new products in the realistic dildo vein (and veined!). I’ve gathered information on those two, as well as the wannabes.

From what I have been able to gather, there are four important characteristics of a these skin-like dildos:

 

  • Actually has a skin-like feel
  • Firm inner core and softer outer layer
  • Non-toxic
  • Easy to clean – sterilizable

 

Before you check out all this info – let me express my opinion…taking the trouble to create a skin-like texture and then telling everyone to cover it up with a condom is…stupid. People review these and say things like – “it is so velvety to the touch!” Well who the hell cares if you need to cover it up with a condom due to toxicity and bacterial issues!

 

Another point to keep in mind is that packaging can say anything – it does not have to be true because the sex toy industry is not regulated. If you want the best, stick with companies that commit to manufacturing and/or selling completely non-toxic toys. Sure you can buy that $24.99 Pleasureskin dildo, cover it with a condom and have a great time with it for a while (if you can stand the smell), but an investment in 100% silicone will last you a long time, assure you of scent-free non-toxicity and ease of cleaning.

 

In researching these “realistic skin-like” dildos, I found that price is indeed the indicator. The cheaper dildos were the ones that failed many of the tests and were quite hard to care for. From what I discovered, I would stay away from Topco Sales and Cal Exotics if you are looking for the best toys.

 

Tantus

O2 Revolution

Skin-like feel? Check – “Close your eyes and you won’t know the difference!”

Dual Density? Check – “super soft outer layer of silicone and dense inner layer”, “firmer than Vixskin”

Non toxic? Check – 100% silicone

Easy to clean? Check – “Hypoallergenic, hygienic, boilable, bleachable and dishwasher safe”

 

Vixen Creations

Vixskin

Skin-like feel? Check – “a more realistic feel and greater elasticity”

Dual Density? Check – “Solid inner core for functional use”

Non toxic? Check – 100% silicone

Easy to clean? – Check – “Non-porous, can be cleaned with soap and water or sterilized by boiling for 3 minutes ”

ProsLifetime Warranty!!!

 

 

Topco Sales

PleasureSkin

(also known as SensaFirm, PassionSkin, Trueskin, Techno-skin and Private Touch)

Skin-like feel? Check – “soft, smooth texture for an authentic sensual feel”

Dual Density? Fail – reviews say “shaft is weak and floppy”

Non toxic? Fail – rated a 3 out of 10 by Eden Fantasys. Although phthalate-free, composed of “thermal plastic elastomer variations” and reviewers say it has a strong odor that doesn’t decrease with time. Recommend use with a condom (for toxicity issues as well as bacterial issues).

Easy to clean?Fail – “very porous, making it difficult to clean and easy for germs and dirt to hide “.

Cons – Surface tears easily – from fingernail contact, even. Loses color over time. Extra care – “Should be protected with a condom. They are extremely sensitive and should be cleaned following every use with warm water and toy cleaner or antibacterial soap. Toys made of these materials should be stored in dark cool place.” Lint magnet.

 

Topco Sales

CyberSkin

[also known as New supersoft, Ultra realistic 3.0 (UR3), Futurotic, SoftSkins, SoftTouch, Futurotic Plus, Realskin]

Skin-like feel? Check – “the amazing look and feel of real skin”

Dual Density? Check – “combines the feel of soft skin with an erect shaft and real ball sack”

Non toxic? Fail – rated a 2 out of 10 by Eden Fantasys. Although phthalate-free, composed of “Thermal plastic elastomer (mixture of PVC and silicone)”  Recommend use with a condom (for toxicity issues as well as bacterial issues). Interestingly, consumers report the box says phthalate and PVC-free, and the PDF link for the composition on the website is not functional. Remember – sex toys are not regulated so they can say whatever they want on the package and it might or might not be true.

Easy to clean?Fail – “These materials are extremely porous, making it difficult to clean and easy for germs and dirt to hide“.

Cons – Extra care – “Skin-like materials are extremely sensitive; they should be cleaned before and after every use with warm water and toy cleaner or antibacterial soap. These toys come dusted in a powdery material to maintain their unique texture, clean the toy thoroughly before first use. After each use, clean again and dust with a little cornstarch (not TALC which has been linked to cervical cancer) before storing to prevent the toy from becoming sticky. They should be stored individually in a dark, cool place. Store each toy separately in a plastic zip bag or thin sock because the porous surface can absorb dyes from other materials. These materials are also very incompatible with many substances. Contact with silicone-based lubricants, oil or petroleum based products will cause damages to the surface of the toy.” Lint magnet.

 

CalExotics

Pure Skin

Skin-like feel? Check – “Amazingly life-like feel”

Dual Density? Check – “Plushy soft, feels like “real”, dual density”

Non toxic? Fail – Although phthalate-free, thermal plastic elastomer (mixture of PVC and silicone)  Recommended use with a condom. Reviewers report a persistent strong odor that does not decrease with time.

Easy to clean? – Fail – “These materials are extremely porous, making it difficult to clean and easy for germs and dirt to hide. So protect them with a condom”

Cons – Extra care – “Skin-like materials are extremely sensitive; they should be cleaned before and after every use with warm water and toy cleaner or antibacterial soap. These toys come dusted in a powdery material to maintain their unique texture, clean the toy thoroughly before first use. After each use, clean again and dust with a little cornstarch (not TALC which has been linked to cervical cancer) before storing to prevent the toy from becoming sticky. They should be stored individually in a dark, cool place. Store each toy separately in a plastic zip bag or thin sock because the porous surface can absorb dyes from other materials. These materials are also very incompatible with many substances. Contact with silicone-based lubricants, oil or petroleum based products will cause damages to the surface of the toy. ” Lint magnet.

So, now that you are an informed sex toy consumer, go forth and purchase your skin-like dildo!

Ruby Ryder

 

Gentlemen…

Are you single?

Do you love pegging or are you looking to explore it?

Are you wondering how to find a woman that will happily, or even better…eagerly, indulge your particular yearning?

 

I get the same question over and over again:

Where can I find a woman to peg me?

Well…first let me dispel some myths.

There are no pegging “clubs” where happy ladies run around ready to sink their sizable strap-ons into any willing male who is interested.

There is no internet website where ladies who love pegging are just waiting to hook up with men for a NSA pegging encounter. Don’t waste your money – there are very very few women on those sites, despite what they’d like you to believe. Plus, many of the women are fake profiles, pros or online fantasy-only women who you will never meet.

 

Wow.

Why is it so hard to find a woman who likes pegging?

It’s not. What’s hard is to find a woman who enjoys pegging and is ready to peg a stranger. Just like it is hard to find a woman who enjoys sex and is ready to fuck a stranger.

Just because you both like pegging, that doesn’t mean she is ready to peg you. Just like because you both like sex doesn’t mean she’s ready to fuck you.

 

Pegging is Not Bowling

This is not bowling, guys.

Hey! You like bowling! Me too. How about we go bowling sometime?

No. This is sex. Sex with all of its naked, intimate, vulnerable penetrations and entwining.

I’m happy that you guys have managed to find your way safely through the minefield of misconceptions, fears and social taboos that surround pegging and have come out the other side very interested in having a woman slide her strap-on deep inside you. Kudos to you. Well done.

Now. Approach finding a woman to peg you the exact same way you would approach finding a relationship. Be as charming, clever, polite, fun, interesting and considerate as you know how to be. Whether in person or online.

 

How to Approach a Woman

If you are on a Vanilla dating site, send a letter of introduction with correct spelling and good grammar. Tell her a little about yourself. Talk about something in her profile that you liked and why. Tell her you are interested and would like to hear from her. This, of course, is after you have put up a decent profile, and please choose a decent user name – don’t do the FckMyAss thing. You don’t want to lead with that. Use your best judgment to discern if she is sexually open-minded. Date her, get to know her. After you have taken each other for a test drive sexually, if all feels good then talk with her about the pegging. Using finesse. Do not present it like you have leprosy. Present it like a very cool thing that she gets to do with you because you love it. This might help. And this, too.

If you are on a website that allows you to see if she is interested in pegging and you know she is, DO NOT MENTION IT IN YOUR MESSAGE. I will tell you how that comes across to us women who love pegging. Like you are pursuing us for our strap-on and you could care less about the woman underneath. Like you want us to satisfy your desire to be pegged and that is what is at the forefront of your intentions. We are not a fetish delivery system. And we will drop you like a hot potato if you treat us like one. In fact if things go swimmingly online, meet a couple of times and if she doesn’t bring it up DO NOT MENTION PEGGING. I had one guy, after a fine dinner, tell me he had his toys out in the car…did I want to see them? Bringing sex toys for a show and tell on the first date? Yuck! Zero class.

 

Women Want to Be Treated Like People

Women don’t just peg asses, they peg men. We do not see just your body part, no matter how lovely your ass might be. We see a person connected to the ass and hope he’s a nice guy, someone we want to do more than fuck. Just because we love pegging does not mean we want to be treated like a convenient way to scratch your itch. There is a woman under the strap-on.

Let’s go back to pegging not being like bowling. Pegging is sex. Sex with all of it’s naked, intimate, vulnerable penetrations and entwining. And actually, it’s even more than that because of the role reversal. The openness and vulnerability required for penetration…the skill and intention necessary to penetrate someone. Both are unfamiliar roles for the gender experiencing them. Pegging completely switches it up and things can feel pretty different, intense and intimate. Not usually a place most women want to go with someone they barely know.

That doesn’t mean every one of us need there to be the possibility of a long term relationship, but it does mean we need there to be something that makes us WANT to peg you. Something that makes the moment hot and steamy. Something that makes us want to jump you and do you. Something more than 20 words in a pegging ad. Which leads us to…

 

Women Who Are Into Casual Pegging

You can find stories about women posting on Craig’s List who want to try pegging with a stranger. You can find stories about pegging parties where there were a few women with strap-ons doing the guys. Are these stories true? Probably. But are these situations common? Absolutely not. They are extremely rare. Out of the thousands of pegging ads posted on whatever website you guys can find to post them on, an infinitesimally small number of men actually get a response, much less actually get pegged. Pegging ads do not work.

The exception is…If a woman is into casual play and the guy is a total hottie or charming, fun, personable or clever enough – she might go for it.  There are so many men begging for a pegging that women like that have a lot of men to choose from, though. Total long shot.

There are some women who would consider doing it for fun with a kinky friend.  But first you have to make friends with those women! If online – Making friends is most decidedly not writing to her and saying “Hey – I’m a virgin and I’m looking for someone to fuck my hungry ass. Interested?” Your messages will get summarily deleted. You must send a letter of introduction as I described above, meet her and get to know her first.

 

Kink Clubs

This brings us to in person. Where do these rare women who love pegging and might consider casual play…where do they congregate in person? The only place I know of is the kink community. The BDSM groups that get together in your area likely have a few women who are interested in pegging. The women in BDSM groups are usually more open about sex, too.

You can find groups in your area by going to FetLife.com and joining (free). Keep in mind that people in those groups have all kinds of kinks, so check your judgment at the door. You go to their public get-togethers, get to know people in the community and make friends. There is no short cut. One you have gotten to know the women in the group, you can try this approach. You lean in close to a woman you know and say, “Just wanted you to know that if you ever wanted to fuck my ass I would be totally down with that.” She might laugh and tell you to fuck off. But she might call you later and ask you about it, too! People in BDSM clubs are experimental, and there is less of an emphasis on necessary intimacy when playing with others. Sometimes they just want to try something out. You could get lucky. But again – there is no shortcut.

 

No Whiners

So after all this…I hope I have not discouraged you men from exploring pegging. The only thing I hope I have discouraged you from is whining about how hard it is to find a complete stranger to fuck your ass. I have said it before and I will say it again: Pegging is like the Dubai Tower of sex thrills. It is exotic, deep, intense and explosive. For an experience that fine, that rich with pleasure and discovery…you will just have to work for it.

Ruby Ryder

 

Anyone who is the slightest bit interested in pegging, interested enough to search the internet a bit for more information has seen them.

Pegging personal ads, all placed by men.

From the restrained:

Anyone in Atlanta area interested in an “virgin” guy? 42 Caucasian, attractive, good shape, clean. Teach me!

To the simple:

I would like me a woman/women with strap on play.

To the crude:

Any women in the San Diego area want a hole to fuck?

To the playful:

Yay! strap-ons. =)
I like em big, girls, got one? You can borrow mine.

 

Just about any forum that talks about pegging soon gets overrun with pegging personals unless there is a moderator who has a rule against them and runs a tight ship. It is annoying. It is frustrating. But here’s what makes it even more frustrating, for all parties involved…

It is a complete waste of time.

I don’t care much for absolutes. So I’m sure, somewhere, there are a couple of men who have actually gotten pegged from placing a pegging ad. What is the percentage? I’d guess 99.9% of all pegging personals never see any action from their ad. At all. Yet men continue to place them, anywhere and everywhere they can. Just in case, maybe.

Let’s look at the reasons why pegging ads do not work…

Here is one. Pegging is sex. Let me repeat that: Pegging is sex. So…basically these ads are saying, I really want to have sex, and I’m totally ready, so any interested women out there, hit me up! Um…yeah, right. Not gonna happen.

Here’s another reason pegging ads don’t work. Pegging is not very widely accepted by women who don’t know anything about it. They have to get past so many potential fears! The fear that he’s gay, the whole anal thing, the fear of pegging affecting their femininity, the fear of pegging affecting his masculinity, the fear that it will hurt him, the fear of not being good at it, the fear that he will get addicted to it. etc. So pegging ads do nothing to educate women about these misconceptions. Pegging ads usually just say, “Wanna fuck me?” Again, not gonna happen.

And another reason. The odds are way against you. You are drawing from a very small pool. The number of women who know about pegging, think it rocks, love doing it to guys and have their own equipment…is really quite small. We are out there, here and there. Included are women who no longer are with the partner who introduced them to it but still really want to incorporate pegging into their next relationship. Still – even combining those groups – not very many women. This group of not very many women…yeah, well, we get a tad besieged by the throngs of men who want their ass fucked. We usually get approached (via private messages or crude comments in a thread) in a way that is all about the strap-on and not at all about us as people, which goes over like a burnt piece of toast.

And one more reason. Pegging is intimate. I know professional dominatrices who will not do pegging because it is too intimate! Take the normal intimacy level of regular PIV (penis in vagina) sex. Multiply it a couple times, at least. Why? You’ve got role reversal going on, which places both partners in situations they have never been in before. That’s a vulnerable position to be in and requires trust. A lot of it. So the likelihood that an ad asking for a woman who wants to fuck a guy’s ass is going to work? Again…not gonna happen.

So…what’s the harm in putting up an ad? I’ll tell you. By asking for it all over the place – you guys could possibly be further ensuring you will not get it. Unintended consequences.

Here’s why: If a man approaches me with a polite, forthcoming, articulate message that does not go on and on about how much he wants me to fuck him with my strap-on, I check him out and look at his comments in other areas on the website that we are both on. If I find that he has a habit of leaving pegging ads all over the place in groups, or messages on women’s walls or photos (who are interested in strap-on play) like, “I’d really like you to fuck me. I’m bent over and ready”  I cross him off my list right then and there. Because the strap-on is obviously the focus, not the woman. I have no interest in that kind of connection. Are there women who might be interested? Not so much. In my travels I have encountered a couple of non-pros who would be interested in a strap-on experience and not a relationship. One asks for donations…and the other wants to film you. Not that these are bad – just…for profit.

I’ve said it before and I will keep saying it. If you are just looking to experiment with pegging and you do not want a relationship, go find a pro. If you are looking for a relationship with a woman who enjoys pegging, you can look for that interest on the woman’s profile and send her a polite, forthcoming and articulate letter of introduction (without mentioning the pegging!). Or, you can look for a relationship with a sexually open-minded woman in the way you normally would, and attempt to introduce her to pegging later. Here’s one man’s story about how he did it.

I am not without sympathy for you men. It is a big step to decide that you want to be pegged. And if you have indulged in any anal play, you know how good it can feel. And you want it. Passionately. But I urge you…knock off the personal ads!! Try methods that have a greater success rate…please!

 Ruby Ryder