This is a common and perfectly acceptable question from newbies. I hear it all the time. The answer, however, is pretty darn complicated. There are many things to consider when buying equipment for the first time. I finally recorded a podcast that details all the considerations that need to be made when purchasing pegging equipment for the very first time. Click on the link below. Feel free to write me with any questions you have! You can contact me at Ruby@PeggingParadise.com
Gentlemen, perhaps you have found your way here from links on the internet somewhere and you were intrigued. Or perhaps your lovely SO has mentioned that she’d like to explore your ass. Only one problem – you have never done ass play. Like, in your whole life. Never. Not so much as a finger. It’s okay. Just keep reading…
Ass Play – Where to start?
The best way to learn about your sexuality is to explore your own body. Masturbation is an excellent example. Since you have played with your cock enough to get it down to a fine art, you are much more knowledgeable about what turns you on and what doesn’t, which helps in communicating the finer points of your sexual preferences to your partner. So it stands to follow that the best way to begin finding pleasure in your ass is to explore it yourself, first.
Cleaning out to avoid a mess: Many men find that all they have to do is make sure their bowels are empty before playing, and there’s no problem. This works best if you have a good diet with enough roughage and you are relatively young – I’m going to guess, and say under 40. Typically, feces do not sit in the rectal canal. Rather, they stay up in your colon and periodically get released into the rectal canal, and your body gives you the message that you have to go.
If you want to rinse out in the shower to be sure you are cleaned out, you can just buy a fleet enema and empty out the contents without using it, then fill it up with water from your shower. Put small amounts of water (like 1/4 of the bottle) into your ass and expel it, repeating until the water you expel is clear. You are not trying to give yourself a complete enema – just rinse out the rectal canal. Then wash just the exterior of your anus with soap and water. Easy peasy. You are good to go.
If you want more information about staying clean, read this.
Fingernails: Make sure your nails are trimmed and rough edges are smoothed, and/or use gloves (which can help with clean up as well). The lining of the rectal canal is delicate and can tear easily. You don’t want that to happen, so you should never use anything with sharp edges for anal play, including your fingers!
Lube: Lube is an absolutely essential component to enjoying the exploration of your ass! (And please don’t let any stupid porn video make you think otherwise – spit is not lube.) You can use coconut oil, just be sure to put down a towel because it can stain. Also, take a small amount out and put it in a small bowl or on a plate because you don’t want to stick your fingers back in the jar when they have been in your ass and you suddenly realize that you need more lube.
Or, you can get what I consider to be the best anal lube out there – Sliquid Silk Hybrid lubricant. Completely body-safe, no bad ingredients, lasts a decently long time, doesn’t dry out and get sticky. Amazing stuff. Excellent company.
So now you are cleaned out, fingernails trimmed, and you have your lube. What next?
Position: The position that you find the most comfortable to explore your ass in is very individual. Explore a few and see what works best for you. You need to find a position that is comfortable for you so that you can really relax. Laying on your side with one leg drawn up, on your back with your legs up, on your hands and knees, or sitting back on your knees – those are all positions men talk about. Consider using pillows to support your body. I have even heard a man say his favorite position was…sitting on the toilet! That sounds decidedly not sexy to me, but it works for him. Above all, comfort is important. You need to be able to relax.
Turn On: Get yourself turned on in whatever way works best for you. Porn videos on your phone, fantasizing your favorite scene, reading erotica, jerking off, playing with your nipples or your balls, whatever works. The reason why this is important, is because once you start playing with your ass, it will feel better and you will have an easier time finding your prostate if you are already turned on. It swells with prostatic fluid and becomes more sensitive.
Outside First: Your mantra here is going to be go slow. So you want to start massaging your perineum, the area between your anus and your scrotum. Many men love having this region touched, as it is an indirect stimulation of the prostate. Next just massage your anus, around the rim and back and forth and whatever feels good. If you push on the anus without entering, it will encourage everything to relax.
Inside Next: When you are ready, make sure your finger is well-lubed, take a deep breath and as you breathe out, push out as if you are trying to have a bowel movement (don’t worry, if you have cleaned out, you won’t). This allows the sphincter to open and your finger should slide in fairly easily. If it starts to feel uncomfortable or you feel pain, back off and give your ass more time to open up. Don’t rush your ass! Again, go slow. Sit there for a while and just get used to the new sensation. Initially, the only thing you might feel is like you have to go to the bathroom. That will pass. But many of you will already be thrilled with new and very pleasurable sensations.
Locate Your Prostate: Your prostate is located about 2 inches inside, towards your belly button. Exact same location as a woman’s G-spot, if that helps. The prostate is about the size of a walnut, and is easier to find the more turned on you are. Some men will know as soon as they find it. Other men won’t be able to feel anything at all. Once you’ve found it, experiment with what feels good. Gentle pressure? Stroking? Rubbing in circles? Quick in and out? On and off pressure? Just remember not to aggressively poke the prostate. It is a gland and you don’t want to bruise it.
From here, just explore, and discover what feels good to you!
Some Cool Things to try:
Jerk Off: Most men report that an orgasm from combined prostate stimulation and penile stimulation feels about 10 times more powerful than a normal orgasm. Jerk off while playing with your ass and see what happens! As a side note – do not be concerned if you are unable to attain an erection while you are playing with your ass. This is completely normal. Some men have erections that come and go, some men stay hard the whole time and some men can’t get hard at all. All of those are completely normal.
Prostate Massage Only: Alternately, use your fingers or a toy and only massage your prostate. Some men say that they really don’t enjoy concurrent penile stimulation with prostate play, that it somehow distracts them from the amazing sensations they get from the prostate, because it’s a different type of sensation. You might be one of those guys! And some men can even orgasm from prostate stimulation alone, as well as enjoy multiple orgasms (so if you are still reading and were wondering why you should try this…there you go).
Butt Plugs: Will stimulate your prostate and can be worn during many activities. Intercourse, oral sex in either direction, foreplay. Watching a movie with your SO or out to dinner with her. Making a quick trip to the store and wanting to have a more fun experience! No one will ever guess the reason for that big smile on your face. You are limited only by your imagination. And by the toy. For longer term wear, I suggest the Njoy Pure Plugs or the Tantus Ryder Anal Plug. Both of these choices are designed so that the base sits between your ass cheeks more comfortably, and the differential between the widest point and the neck is large enough so that the plugs stay in more easily.
Prostate Toys: Some men find using their own fingers awkward. If you are not flexible enough, your arms are short, torso is long, fingers are short, prostate is further in – there can be a lot of reasons – your ass can be difficult to reach, which makes finding your prostate nigh impossible.
In that case, or if you just want to take your ass play to another level entirely, I recommend four different toys. The first two do not offer vibrations and the second two do. Vibrations are a matter of preference – some men don’t like them at all and say it makes everything sort of go numb. Other men say they can’t really get much pleasure from their prostrate until they use a vibrating toy. Experiment! Remember that anal toys must have a flared base to be safe, and make sure they are not toxic!
Aneros Helix Syn: When inserted, this device is designed to provide hands-free prostate stimulation by clenching your anal sphincter. It’s a great toy to wake up that area of your body to the pleasures that are possible. And some men find they can orgasm hands-free while using it! This is a great toy for beginners. And should the opportunity present itself, it can be worn during intercourse with explosive results!
Njoy Purewand: The curve, length and shape of this toy is absolutely perfect for prostate stimulation, solo or with a partner. Makes your prostate easier to reach, and longer ass play sessions are almost effortless because of the weight of this solid stainless steel toy. Designed by an engineer with a love of ass play, this toy gets rave reviews across the board (and is amazing for G-spot stimulation, too). The Purewand has a smaller end and a larger one, in case your ass starts craving something a little more at some point. The smooth metal will hold heat, and feels delicious warmed up by running hot water over it (not too hot!).
Lelo Billy Prostate Massager: If you like vibrations on your prostate, this is the Cadillac of prostate massagers. The curved design is perfect for reaching the prostate, and the variety of vibration patterns and intensity levels allow you to adjust this toy to your own preferences. Pretty quiet, too! Rechargeable – never worry about batteries again. The size is just big enough to be effective but not large enough to challenge.
Aneros Vice: Another excellent toy that offers vibrations for anal play is the Vice. It’s a beautifully designed piece of equipment, the shape is made to rest right against your prostate. The removable vibrator is machined steel and packs a punch. Three vibration patterns with 3 levels of intensity. Uses one AAA battery. Just as quiet as the Lelo Billy. A of mine says this toy is so intense that he only uses it once a month and the neighbors hear him yell when he comes.
Have fun playing with your ass! Just remember….
Cardinal Rules of Ass Play
No Numbing Agents!
Not Too Fast
Not Too Big
Plenty of Lube
Anal Safe Toys
So, dear readers, it’s that time again. Periodically, I write a post about how pegging is not gay.
Why? Because the assumption is so very prevalent that monthly reminders are necessary for all the newcomers to my blog.
A reminder is also necessary for those of you who are considering trying it out but you have concerns. You guys lurking and reading and trying to decide if you really want to do this wild thing called “pegging” or not? Yeah. This post is for you. Here’s my message for you today:
Don’t listen to the little voice.
You know, the one that says…
He must be gay if he likes ass play.
If I peg him, he’ll leave me and go get a real cock.
If I like ass play I must be gay.
If she pegs me it’s will be like a gateway drug and I’ll want men!
That little voice is not your friend. That little voice is lying to you, misleading you and scaring you. Conclusion: that little voice is not nice. Ignore it.
The only thing that determines your sexual orientation is which gender you are attracted to – not what they do to you!
♥ If you are sexually attracted only to the opposite gender, you are heterosexual.
♥ If you are attracted only to the same gender, you are gay.
♥ If you are sexually attracted to both genders, you are bisexual.
In this age of marvelous and hi-tech sex toys, we can do so many things we were unable to do without them, no matter what gender we are. One of these things is pegging. Pegging is just a heterosexual couple playing with sex toys! And believe you me, a strap-on is one fun toy to play with.
Take a look around the website and see what the men say about it, how insanely pleasurable it is.
And ignore the little voice!
I hear from the women all too rarely. I think it is important to hear our point of view in order to understand what motivates us to lovingly fuck your delicious asses. Men often ask – why would a woman want to use a strap-on? What does she get out of it? There are many answers to that question, but sometimes it’s helpful to hear a personal story. The rest of you women out there…we would love to hear your stories, too…
Six months ago my fiancée, then boyfriend of two and a half years, told me he had tried anal play during masturbation and was interested in exploring this together. At first I was mildly upset/offended. Hadn’t I been a good enough lover? Was he bi-because he certainly isn’t gay. Most importantly we had been fucking for two years and he never mentioned it, although he had mentioned an interest in giving anal pleasure. I began to feel ill-equipped to please him, compared to a toned man with a raging hard cock.
Since then he has shared all of his sexual experiences with me, and I have learned that no, my future husband is not gay. Rather he is a heterosexual male who really enjoys having his ass fucked by a woman, and a prostate massage in tandem with being blown.
The best part is…I LOVE it. Seeing my glistening purple Share dildo right before I penetrate him gets me so hot, and I love hearing him moan as he gives me his ass and totally submits all thought.
There is something so erotic about being fucked and submitting as I am being penetrated. To simply feel, and not think. I am so happy to bring that same pleasure I experience to the best lover I have ever known and get to spend a lifetime in the sack with. Since we have started pegging, it has become a normal aspect to our sex life.
I am still coming to terms with accepting that I like to fuck and make sweet love to his ass, but I am coming to accept it. I enjoy taking his ass, and desire to be inside him almost as much as I long for his tongue on my clit when he is at work.
I love anal sex, and what is has done for my sex life.
Gentlemen! Are you a little concerned that you enjoy ass play? Here’s my message for you. It’s all going to be okay, really. Just click the words above and have a listen…
This comment was left on the article “Do Women Love Pegging?” This woman’s experience is not unique. I thought it needed front page exposure.
Ruby, I can’t say I enjoy this site but I am glad you give real advice, nowhere else to turn. My bf and I are having some problems with pegging. I agreed to do it once and hated it completely. I thought once I gave in and at least tried (like I’ve noticed you tell so many women to do) he would at least respect me for trying. Wrong. He talks about it constantly, even more than bjs or vaginal. I wasn’t really turned off by the anal stimulation itself, but the fact that he loved sucking on a dildo really bothered me, that’s taking it a lot further than just stimulation, that’s wanting to suck d*** which is very gay-curious.
So please Ruby as much as you want to tell women this lifestyle is healthy and normal they need to understand that once you open Pandora’s box, you can’t close it and you might not like what you find out. Finding out your bf enjoys sucking and taking something that for all purposes is a penis can be a huge turnoff, especially if it interests him more than a vagina.
Thank you very much for leaving a comment here. I’m sorry to hear that your first time of pegging did not go as well as you both hoped it would, and seemed to be very upsetting for you. Perhaps I can help.
My response is going to be pretty long, and I am going to post this on my blog as well as talk about it on my next podcast, because it’s so important for my listeners to hear. There are definitely other women out there who have had experiences just like you did; you’re not the only one.
I hope you find this information useful. Please understand that pegging isn’t for everyone, and it might not be for you. I’m not trying to talk you into it. Just trying to show you the other side of the picture a little, to hopefully help you understand his point of view.
I wasn’t really turned off by the anal stimulation itself, but the fact that he loved sucking on a dildo really bothered me, that’s taking it a lot further than just stimulation, that’s wanting to suck d*** which is very gay-curious.
So, let’s talk about your assumption that your boyfriend is “gay-curious” because he enjoyed sucking the dildo. First of all – if he is anything other than heterosexual (straight), it’s going to be bisexual – because if he’s fucking you, he is not gay. Gay is if he enjoys men only. Now…Imagine two lesbians who do strap-on sex. If one of them enjoys sucking on the dildo, does that mean she really wants a man? Of course not. I don’t know if your boyfriend is bi-curious. I assume you two have talked about it in the context of your concerns about trying pegging. If he said he’s not, I’d believe him. If you didn’t talk about it, you need to do that and to express your concerns. Pegging is an act, not an orientation. Sure, the equipment you are using resembles a penis, but go back to that lesbian example – it doesn’t necessarily mean he wants a real penis. Ask him.
Sucking the dildo could be something he did because he thought you would like it, in the context of the role reversal experienced in pegging. Let me explain. I have heard more than one man tell this exact story – that when first faced with his girlfriend/wife wearing a strap-on, it is so exciting, because usually he’s been fantasizing about it for a long time, that he doesn’t know what to do. So his first thought is, well if that was me standing there, what would I want? I’d want to have her suck on my dick! So he proceeds to do that and freaks out his partner. She thinks – what the hell? I can’t feel it and is he just pretending I am a man? ‘Cause this feels really screwed up! I get it. I’m not a fan of my partner sucking on the dildo so much. To me it seems pointless, because I can’t feel it and it does nothing for me. But if it does something for him, then it’s more fun for me.
Consider this – many of us have fantasies that are always going to remain fantasies because it’s not something we really want in real life. It could be that it turns him on to think about it but he would never in a million years want to actually do it with a guy.
Also, consider this. If he wanted to be with a man, it would be SO much easier to go have sex with a man than go to the trouble to convince you to try pegging, right? He wants to do this with you.
I agreed to do it once and hated it completely. I thought once I gave in and at least tried (like I’ve noticed you tell so many women to do) he would at least respect me for trying.
Your phrasing is painful to read. You “gave in and at least tried” but seem to have already been anticipating never doing it again and expecting him to respect you for trying and to then leave you alone about it. That’s no way to explore new sexual territory with your partner. It’s a guaranteed failure. If you are at least neutral about trying something, that can work, but it doesn’t sound like you were. And whether that was because you had fears about him being bisexual or that pegging him would fan the flames if he was, I have no way of knowing.
He talks about it constantly, even more than bjs or vaginal.
Imagine if you suddenly discovered that you could have an orgasm 10 times more powerful than anything you had ever experienced. That’s what an orgasm is like with a combination of prostate and penile stimulation. So if you discovered that intense level of pleasure, wouldn’t you want to do that…a lot? Or imagine that you discovered that if your boyfriend stimulated your G-Spot with his fingers or a toy that it could give you a total blow-your-mind, full-body orgasm. Wouldn’t you be eager to do it a LOT? And he might be sitting there going….what about my dick? What about regular intercourse?
So…when men first experience pegging, their enthusiasm for it can be an issue for some couples. And it’s not just about the level of pleasure, it’s also about experiencing sex in a completely different way that allows them to be vulnerable and to open up and receive. It does kind of blow their mind.
My advice for couples who have this issue is to schedule regular pegging, and I am not even kidding. Otherwise, every time they head to the bedroom, he’s hoping she will peg him and she’s pissed off because it feels like that’s all he ever wants. If you schedule it, he can relax and know he’ll be getting it regularly, and you can relax and not feel pressured every time you have sex. Plus, pegging requires some preparation for him, so scheduling helps that, too. Tell him that his continued interest in rocking your world sexually in all the ways he usually does is the price of admission to regular pegging land.
So please Ruby as much as you want to tell women this lifestyle is healthy and normal they need to understand that once you open Pandora’s box, you can’t close it and you might not like what you find out. Finding out your bf enjoys sucking and taking something that for all purposes is a penis can be a huge turnoff, especially if it interests him more than a vagina.
It sounds here like you are saying you now have proof positive that your boyfriend is bi-curious, because of one session of pegging where he enjoyed sucking the dildo and getting fucked by it. The dildo was attached to your body, right? Which I assume has breasts and a vagina? Unless you have talked with him about the bi-curious thing and he has said, “Yes, I am bi-curious”, you are making incorrect assumptions about your boyfriend’s orientation (remember the lesbians!). Pegging doesn’t magically turn a man bisexual and he suddenly starts craving hairy, muscular bodies. Not the way it works. If he was bi-curious to begin with, it might arouse his curiosity a little more, but straight men don’t turn bisexual because of pegging.
…Interests him more than a vagina…
I imagine that feels quite painful, and you need to tell him how it feels to you. In fact – take some time and calmly talk all this through, that would be my advice. Tell him you feel like he’s obsessed with pegging now, that that’s all he wants to talk about and he isn’t interested in your vagina anymore. Tell him that sucking the dildo really turned you off and freaked you out and tell him why. And then talk with him about his orientation – don’t accuse him of being gay because he sucked a penis-shaped object and had it up his ass. Lesbians fuck each other’s vaginas with penis-shaped objects, too – are they straight? Talk with him about it calmly and ask him if there is any part of him that is bi-curious. That’s the only way you are going to get open communication is to…communicate openly. Otherwise, you can assume anything you want and agonize over it as much as you want, too. And it could all be for nothing.
If he is bi-curious, then you need to figure out what that means for your relationship and go forward from there. But at least you won’t be sitting there accusing him of being bisexual because of something that happened with a sex toy when you two were in bed!
Good luck to you both. And if you feel so inclined – we’d all love to hear what happens.
In the time that I have been enthusiastically exploring and learning about pegging, I’ve learned so much about what it feels like for a man to have a woman slip a dildo inside him and fuck his sweet ass. I did learn from practice, often the best way to learn. But I also participated in many forums online where men waxed poetic about getting pegged….sharing information about how it feels, what positions are best for the most pleasure, what kinds of orgasms they have experienced and the particular sensations associated with each. In all of my explorations, conversations and discussions, the same theme kept coming back over and over. Pleasure, pleasure and more pleasure.
So let me formally and unequivocally answer the question posed by the title of this article…
Yes, Yes and Yes. Oh….and Yes.
Okay…there will of course be the occasional man who does not get a thrill out of pegging…because people are delightfully diverse. Bodies are different, emotional makeups differ and sexual openness will vary. There will also be the occasional man who hates even a finger in his ass because it hurts, or even if it doesn’t hurt ass play is just not his thing. They are out there. But for the overwhelming majority of men…it feels incredible. Really incredible.
Reassuring the Women
If you are a woman reading this and you have doubts about pegging your husband/boyfriend/significant other because you can’t see how he could possibly enjoy it…please, do read on. I have become a firm believer that the only way to be good at giving anal sex is to receive it. Many women have been on the receiving end of bad anal sex. You know the kind. The well-meaning inexperienced guy shoves his spit-on cock up your ass because he doesn’t have a clue that you can’t treat an ass like a vagina (that’s what they do in the porn movies, right?)….and it fucking hurts like hell…so you never, ever want to have anal sex again…ever. I know this happens more than people realize. So maybe years go by…and now a guy is asking you to fuck him in the ass? I see how you could be confused. Here’s the secret:
Anal sex done correctly does not hurt.
Without going into the specifics of how to peg your guy (that is elsewhere on this website), what I want to make sure that you realize is that not only will it not hurt your man if you do it right, there is a very good chance he will be over the moon, singing, swooning and having orgasms more intense than anything he’s ever experienced! So if you have found your way to my website because your guy is asking you to peg him…chances are he may have already found out on his own that anal stimulation feels amazing or he’s heard that it is and would love to explore with you. Awesome – one more way to experience intimate pleasure as a couple. Keep reading.
Why does Pegging feel so good to men?
Two words. Prostate gland. Direct stimulation of a man’s prostate gland can feel as good as a woman’s G-spot feels when stimulated. Really. So yes…it can absolutely bring a man thrilling, orgasmic sensations as well as actual orgasms with stimulation of his cock and sometimes even…without touching his cock at all.
Reassuring the Men
If you have found your way to this website you may be one of the incredibly lucky men whose woman has actually approached you with the idea of pegging. And yes, you are quite fortunate. Or perhaps you have heard or read about the potential pleasure involved and just wanted to learn more. No matter how you got here, if you are at all questioning whether strap-on sex can be enjoyable, rest assured that it can indeed bring you exquisite pleasure and is well worth exploring with your partner. You have the potential to delight in orgasms ten times more powerful than anything you have ever experienced , orgasms that produce prodigious amounts of come. Some men can orgasm without touching their cock, and those “hands-free” orgasms can not only be the most exquisite of all, some men attain multiple orgasms that way as well. How could you possibly read all that and not at least give it a try?!
Yes, Pegging feels…incredible. And here’s a Newsflash:
What the Men Say About Pegging Orgasms
“The best way I know to describe it is very close to a female orgasm. They start in my tummy/pelvis and radiate through my body in wave after wave of pleasure. No, I do not experience any kind of ejaculation either. Many times I am left lying there limp as a rag doll.”
“I haven’t had many experiences but every time a woman has used her strap-on and taken my ass…I’ll get super hard and cum very hard too.”
“I have very strong to the point of shaking orgasms and just a gusher of cum, hit the ceiling strong.”
“I absolutely can orgasm, in a very non-male way.. no ejaculate… As described by a few others, it’s sort of a mind/brain short circuiting body sensory meltdown.. I shake and quiver uncontrollably, breath very short and rapidly, and become incredibly sensitive to sounds and touch… This can go for several minutes (in one case), but usually only lasts 30-60 seconds… When it’s done I feel like I’ve run a marathon.. Exhausted and quivering… It leaves my mind cleared out like shaking an etch-a-sketch… Sign me up anytime for more :)”
Ya know, I’m very skeptical… So much BS spread around… I decided to try this and prove you all wrong… I fired up my fucking machine with a moderate dildo, and ran it for 25 minutes… Nothing… Then I recalled a few prostate orgasm videos which showed what everybody is talking about.. Watching the technique and pressure they used, I decided to try a firmer, plastic g spot vibrator…after a few minutes, the feeling grew intense, and all my muscles involuntarily tense and I let out this deep throated groan losing all control.. The muscles released, and I was panting for my breath.. A few minutes later .. The same… 4 times in 20 minutes… I can only conclude they were anal orgasms… No ejaculate.. Just extreme contractions…I can’t wait to do it again… It truly happens… Amazing experience…I’m a believer!
Kudos to those of you who allowed me to use your comments here. Thanks for sharing descriptions of your orgasmic pegging experience with us and here’s hoping it convinces a few of the curious to give it a try.
Note: Pain is an indicator. If you experience pain with anal stimulation despite slow exploration with small fingers/toys and plenty of lube, get checked by your doctor just to make sure you do not have a medical condition that needs attention.
Attention Anal Newbies
Is he new at receiving ass play? Are you new at giving it?
Here are some suggestions for you women who want to begin to explore your man’s ass before donning that strap-on and going for the pegging.
- Brush up on your in-bed communication skills if you need to because the most important part about all of this is to stay in communication with each other.
- Look at a map of the prostate gland and get a general idea of where it is located.
- Make sure your fingernails are non-existent. Or push cotton balls into the fingers of a glove with a pen and wear the glove.
- He needs to be fresh out of the shower. Exterior – Simple soap and rinse of his anal area will leave it clean for play. At this point you need to take into consideration the sensitivities of the couple. If either of you are freaked out about encountering a small amount of fecal matter he can rinse his rectal canal with this or this (emptied out and refilled with plain water) while in the shower. An enema is not necessary. If you are both less sensitive to that and are okay with that very occasionally being part of the territory he can skip the rinse out and just make sure his bowels are empty. Have wipes or towels handy and you are golden!
- Don’t be drunk or significantly altered, be fully present. Limit yourself to one drink if either of you need it to relax.
Getting down to it
- Remember to have fun and don’t rush.
- Do some foreplay before going straight for his ass. (It’s his turn for foreplay!) Kissing, a little bit of a blowjob or handjob so he’s hard and excited; in a state where normally he would be ready to fuck you.
- Then, he needs to lie down and relax. Face down with a pillow underneath his hips is usually most comfortable for him to receive and you to explore.
- Rimming if you are into it is a great way to start. It feels amazing and is a great precursor to anal exploration. The tongue feels so warm and cozy that you just want to open up your ass and let it in. This is good because that’s exactly what needs to happen. So have fun with the rimming if you’re down with that.
- Get out the lube and apply liberally
- This next part use gloves if you have fingernails or if you just prefer them for anal play.
- Play with his ass with one finger pushing in just a little ways and then back out, slowly. Do that for a while. Sometimes he will ask for more. Gradually push your longest finger into his ass all the way. Remember where the prostate is; in this position it is in and down. You should just be able to reach it with your longest finger. You are trying to feel a round firm place about the size of a walnut. It is easier to feel if he is aroused. Stroke it don’t poke it! (Credit for this line goes to The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure by Charlie Glickman and Aislinn Emirzian). Sometimes it is hard to find so don’t worry if you can’t locate it right away. The more excited he is the easier it will be to find because it begins to fill with fluid. (Rare, but some women cannot reach the prostate because their fingers are not long enough.)
- While your finger is inside him you can put your thumb on his taint and push or rub gently there, too. This basically lets you stimulate the prostate from inside and outside.
- Experiment gently with faster, slower, stroking in different directions, firmer or softer pressure and get his feedback about what he likes best. Try to get really good at exactly what he likes best.
- If it is comfortable for him, gently and slowly push in another finger. When I say slowly, I mean centimeters at a time. You can use your other hand to play with his balls, rub his ass or his back. Keep it sensual.
- Instead of continuing to push your fingers in relentlessly, stop when you sense the pressure is too much or he asks you to wait for a bit. Back out and than go back in. Tease his ass; giving him a chance to open up more.
- If he cannot take another finger, he might want to stop there and continue exploring the next night (or day). This is perfectly okay! More time for anticipation and gradual exploration.
- If he’s had enough ass play – then continue your play in your favorite way. Afterwards talk about how the ass play felt, what you both liked best, if there was anything that you didn’t like and ask questions if you have them. Talk about what you want to try next time.
If he wants to keep going
- You can either use a small toy or a dildo, whichever you have. No larger in diameter than 1.25″, smaller is fine. Make sure the toy is anal safe with a flared base and non-toxic. Hold it in your hand – it’s too soon for the harness.
- Reapply lube. (Do this often with fingers and toys, whenever you even think you need it. Anal penetration feels so much better with a lot of lube.)
- When you penetrate his anus with the toy, once again go very slowly. Initial penetration technique is important so listen up – Push until you feel that resistance or he says to wait and then stop pushing. Do not back off and do not push forward, just stay there. This is important because when his sphincter opens if you are still pushing forward you can all of a sudden push it abruptly all the way inside him – not fun. Perhaps you’ve had that happen to you?
- If you can feel him pushing back to meet you, you know that it’s okay to go forward.
- Do not bottom out hard – this can feel bad in the beginning. Depends on how long your toy is and how much his ass can handle. Don’t be in a hurry to push it all the way inside him; his prostate isn’t that far in anyway and that’s usually where it feels the best.
- Once in, just hold it there for a bit – 30 – 45 seconds or so. Let him get used to the feel of it.
- Begin to stroke in and out very slowly
- Talk to him – feel okay? Do you like me fucking your ass? Do you want more? Keep it sexy instead of clinical.
- Remember where the prostate is. Experiment with changing the angle of the toy to see if it will feel better in different positions (this is what men who are good lovers do when they are fucking you).
- At this point he may want to get up on his knees so that he has more freedom to move and add to the motion.
- DO NOT WORRY if he is not hard. If you are concerned whether he is having a good time or not – just ask.
- Talk to him. Keep going? Harder/softer/faster/slower?
- Ask him if his cock wants attention (if he hasn’t already got it in his hand). Many men say yes – some say no because cock stimulation interferes with the sensations of the prostate for some men.
If he wants cock stimulation
- Here you can decide to keep going and give him a handjob (if he wants that or wants to do it himself) or have him turn over and lay on his back for a handjob/blowjob. He may be ready to turn over if he’s been on his stomach and/or knees a while.
If he stays on his knees
- You can either kneel on the bed on one side of him so that you can use the dildo and stroke his cock more easily or you can stay behind him and reach around for his cock – whatever works.
If he turns over
- Your position will be on your knees with your legs spread so that your knees are on the outside of his hips and under his bent knees. This position will give you a balance point so that you can use the dildo with one hand and give him a blowjob or handjob with the other. Again – if he wants to stroke his own cock – rock on.
An Orgasm in Not Necessary
- Just go with whatever feels right for him. Some men cannot get hard or orgasm when something is in their ass. Some men get rock hard the moment anything is in their ass. Don’t make orgasm the goal, have it be about the pleasure of the exploration, the fun of trying something new and the amazing sensations you can find along the way.
Here’s why I went into so much detail with this topic. Because when you finally strap on, ladies, the learning curve is steep because you were not born with a cock. You don’t know how to move, balance, make it do what you want. Takes practice. So if you take the time to explore your man’s ass in the manner described above, you will already have a sense of what you are trying to duplicate with your strap-on because you’ve figured out what he loves with your fingers and holding that dildo in your hand. That is why these steps are so important for pegging newbies!
Sure, you can just go down to the local toy store and get some equipment, come home and dive in and it might turn out okay or it might turn out badly. The thing is, you will both be missing so much potential pleasure. Sexual exploration is not something to be rushed. It is best done relaxed, playfully, curiously, with lots of communication and luxuriating in every moment of new sensation.
You’ve all heard me talk about going to a sex worker as an option for those men who really want to try out pegging and cannot find a partner to try it with. This man did it! And called me up to tell me the story. Give a listen – it might just change your mind a little about going to a professional…
Smooth muscle does not become stronger with use. It cannot withstand significant trauma, but it is fairly elastic and you have to stretch it quite a bit to cause irreversible damage. Depending on your physiology, that limit is probably a one time stress to a diameter 2x as large as your average stool. A subject that often comes up with people new to pegging is whether permanent damage can occur from regular participation in anal strap-on sex. Well, engaging in extreme penetration, forcing, using sharp objects or not using lube, of course none of these are advisable. They are asking for trouble. But what about more ‘normal’ pegging? And what is ‘normal’, anyway? There is not a lot of information on the internet that isn’t sex-negative, alarmist and sometimes just plain wrong. And although there are many men (and women) who have had a lot of anal sex even sometimes with larger toys (or penises) and very few have any issues with incontinence, people seem to need more reassurance that this activity we love, pegging, is not going to end up causing lasting damage years down the line.
Looking to find the answer to these questions, I did an internet search for information and found this quote from Violet Blue:
The notion of losing bowel control due to frequent anal penetration is a hurtful myth, perpetuated by our culture’s shame about anal sex. It is usually directed at gay men, though since anal sex has become popular with heterosexual couples, that myth has followed into mainstream culture, no thinks to pundits who confuse opinion for fact, such as Dr. Drew.
In fact, playing with anal penetration for pleasure actually tones the muscles, stimulates healthy blood flow to the area, and is a great form of exercise for the sphincter muscles. The more you use the muscles, the better shape they will be in — though because they are smooth muscles, not like the muscles in your biceps, they can’t be “bulked up” so you don’t have to worry about them becoming bigger from “too many” orgasms! Oh, if only there was such a thing as too many orgasms… I digress.
But as long as you don’t rush, you stop when you feel pain, and don’t do anything to damage the tissue, you may find that you have even better bootie control than before.
So I posted it, adopted that opinion and then received a comment correcting and elaborating on the above assertion from a person I suspect is a health professional. I was not able to verify their credentials. But I assumed that was the case from the physiological specificity of the information. The problem is that no health professional is going to step forward and publicly give their opinion about how safe (or not) pegging is. So I chose not only to believe the information that was offered but to share it as widely as possible – with full disclosure as to the anonymous nature of the submission.
I’m a supporter, and this post will probably get deleted, but…
Talk to a surgeon or spend some time in dissection and you’ll see that it’s not really a myth. Many of the muscles in the anal sphincter are composed of smooth muscle, which are used in your eyelids and a couple other places.
Smooth muscle does not become stronger with use. It cannot withstand significant trauma, but it is fairly elastic and you have to stretch it quite a bit to cause irreversible damage. Depending on your physiology, that limit is probably a one time stress to a diameter 2x as large as your average stool.
If you’re “hammering”, that diameter is probably a lot smaller. But since we don’t have much in the way of before and after clinical exams, nobody knows the safety limits. Because the supplementary muscles are very strong, and we can control them, many people think that it’s simply a question of relaxing. It isn’t.
In truth, by the time you can consciously relax the sphincter to admit large objects, the smooth muscle has probably had a tear or two and isn’t much of a concern anymore. From a practical point of view all it did anyway was keep small amounts of flatulence and liquid waste (mostly water not absorbed in the large bowel) from escaping… not a big problem with most diets.
The ring can tolerate about 2 or 3 significant (painful) tears before it loses enough function to be unimportant in your ability to tolerate “intrusion”. On the bright side: Many overweight or obese people will already have suffered one or more of these tears starting as early as puberty, so it’s not the end of the world. You can get these events from constipation, straining or unusually dry or large bowel movements. This is why so many people think there’s no problem with introducing objects into the rectum.
Can you wreck it from repeated trauma? Certainly. You don’t have to watch much porn to see serious problems in people who have voluntarily subjected themselves to trauma. But thanks to our voluntary control of the other muscles, it doesn’t mean you’ll need diapers.
For the most part, until you’re in your late 70′s, the only person who will suffer from minor anal incontinence will be the person who does your laundry.
Lastly – there’s no science, but the prostate can indeed be bruised with negative effects. Trim those nails, and don’t use hard objects. Good luck!
I replied –
I am always interested in corrections, information and differing viewpoints – so of course I would not delete your comment! I love learning.
First of all – Thank you. This is excellent and very specific physiological information! I am curious to know your qualifications because you sound quite knowledgeable. I’d like to disseminate this information in a more front page way (on all the forums/websites I participate in) to everyone who is looking for it as opposed to hoping they find it hidden in the comments of a blog post. But I’d love to know your qualifications, first – messaged to me in private if you wish.
So tell me if I have this right, please…
1) Muscle tone of the inner sphincter is not built up or improved with more strap-on play. Can it be for the outer sphincter?
2) It is not all about relaxing. Small tears can occur but they are no more serious than tears which can occur normally with constipation, straining or unusually dry or large bowel movements.
3) “But thanks to our voluntary control of the other muscles, it doesn’t mean you’ll need diapers.” I want to understand here – there are 2 sphincters in the rectum, correct? The inner sphincter is involuntary and the outer is voluntary. So does that mean that the damage you describe is only to the inner involuntary? And the outer voluntary overrides the damage in terms of possible incontinence?
4) After all that…As long as you are “reasonable” in your play – not too large, too fast, too hard, sharp objects – you are likely not going to have a problem.
PS – Please don’t get the idea that I’m bashing your stand. I just spend a lot of time around asses.
Violet Blue’s expertise on that question is a valuable opinion, just like that of some random proctology surgical tech who fancies a good time now and then.
I would submit that asking a jockey what’s good for the horse will get an answer that might not match up with that of the honest race track vet.
Sorry, anon for a reason.
Some doctors smoke cigars even though they know the risks.
But they generally don’t smoke a cigar a day, either. It’s the same with everything else, as well. Humans are pretty creative, and this particular hobby of yours has been around (documented) for at least 5 or 6 thousand years, and has flourished more than once in the last seven centuries.
It’s not unlike drinking diet or regular soft drink every day – it’s slowly stripping away your enamel and etching your teeth with every sip. But it’s not actively killing you.
If you cut down to one or two per week, the effect is still noticeable (to people who pay close attention) but nowhere near as bad as people who drink soft drinks every day. If you drink soft drinks every day, especially if you consume two or more soft drinks (or nurse a large one all day), I guarantee that your teeth will develop hairline cracks, start losing structural integrity and suffer significant loss of enamel. Total elapsed time to seeing the damage: 10 years on average, perhaps 20 if you have amazing genes.
But you won’t see any change from one day to the next, until it’s way too late to realize how far it’s gone. Your hygienist may not even notice any change unless he or she keeps amazingly detailed records.
Luckily, the story for the other end of the alimentary canal is a bit different, at least until you get near the end of your life. Human anatomy is not really standardized. It’s just generally amazingly “similar” in form and function between individuals.
A quick review of any decently illustrated anatomy book will give you a good idea of how the equipment is generally connected, but it won’t tell you much about the actual equipment you’ll be working with.
It won’t tell you how far you can dilate a rectum without causing trauma, or how much [long technical term that translates into how vigorously and with what friction coefficient you can thrust against the mucous membranes ] aka “action” will result in noticeable micro-tears or scarring, and it certainly won’t tell you how much impact the prostate can take without causing significant cell damage.
Why? We have no data… just a few random anecdotes. Try getting a public health grant to study the physio-mechanics of anal sex. It will never happen. The best one could hope for is to persuade someone to wrap the research into a series of rather technical porn films, but no credible doctor would touch it. And even if 50 couples were to agree to submit to a clinical study, there are no protocols. Instant loss of reputation, and with that, loss of income. If you think the syphilis experiments were ethically problematic, you’ll probably have to admit that inducing various failures in the rectum [for science!] might be a bit sketchy.
So we’re not going to accumulate credible scientific evidence, period.
Luckily, we have inference, personal experience and some clinical data from ER trauma cases. It’s not uncommon for patients to be admitted for clinical observation after blunt object trauma, or in cases of rape. It’s not exactly the same, because in many of these cases, the patient was attacked or assaulted. That’s very, very different from willing and consensual activity, but it at least gives us a reference point to calibrate our conclusions with. Most of the trauma occurs from involuntary action, inadequate lubrication and unrealistic expectations. (Really, what kind of fool thinks putting a glass object into a rectum is a good idea?)
But rather than write a treatise, let me just hit the highlights:
- penetration through walls
- minor and major friction tears
- sphincters being torn or split
- large muscle tears
Through wall penetration probably won’t happen if you pick your objects correctly. If it’s pointy, it had better be really, really soft. Otherwise, non-rigid objects are unlikely to perforate unless they’re moving really fast or have a significant length of travel relative to diameter, or unless you’re already at the limit of accommodation.
The big H is usually what causes pain and bleeding for most people. If you sit all day, or have children or eat a lousy diet, you’ll eventually suffer from a little red blood, sting and pain and occasionally a thrombosed vein might break and scare you. Eat more fiber and drink less pop. It looks scary and terrible, but hardly anyone ever died from a bleeding bottom.
Friction tears can be avoided with lubrication to a great extent, but it depends on viscosity, heat and displacement. If you’re well coated, and not moving fast enough to displace or dry out the lubricant, you should be OK. If you’re moving quickly, or the lubrication is being absorbed or going away due to other things, or the viscosity is changing from heat, you can start tearing things. You might even trigger a tear in an existing thrombosed vein, and then you’ll be bleeding for a while. It can be scary, but they’ll probably heal up.
If the object is significantly larger than the opening, lubricant can be wiped off enough that dry spots develop, and then bad things happen more often. It’s like the difference between dusting your windows and scrubbing them – even glass can suddenly cause friction if you press hard or fast enough. Minor tears will open the cells on the top layer (and it isn’t very thick – just a few cells) but major tears will shed layers or cause bleeding. They’ll probably heal, but it can take days or weeks.
I’ll leave out the disease vectors, susceptibility to infection and immune response from this, but you should try to keep everything reasonably sterile. I guess flora and fauna are a completely different topic, but let’s just say that interesting things happen with improvised lubes. Saliva is basically worthless.
All Sphincters have four maximums: How far, how fast, how often and rest/recovery time. You cannot judge the limits by anything other than direct visual observation(unlikely) and pain. The problem is that pain usually occurs as the failure limit is breached. A tear or breach will heal, but it will change the equation because it now consists of scar tissue. Elasticity is reduced with each tear, and after around three tears, it is unlikely to close completely ever again. It’s common for this to happen even without objects.
This isn’t the end of the world for your sport, because a lot of people (men and women) manage to tear them via repeated fecal constipation starting at puberty – and even in infants. It hurts. It hurts a lot. But then it stops hurting and life goes on. It isn’t debilitating, but you’ll need to wash more often. It can be worse with loose stools, or fluid leakage, especially if you strain a lot, or have gas. But sharting is now apparently mainstream, so I wouldn’t worry too much.
A major muscle tear is a bigger issue. It’s seen with blunt object trauma and rape. You can have ongoing pain issues from something like this, because the muscles will heal again one way or the other, and it might not be how you want it to heal. You can avoid this by limiting the size and length of your objects. Past this, you’re in fisting territory, and you should ask someone else. Vaginas are way better at size excursions than rectums, largely because the muscles stretch a lot better.
Prolapse is caused by the lining separated from the relatively weak support structure. It happens even without sex, and it’s a well known phenomena with lots of documentation. Limiting speed and size and using proper lubrication will go a long way – apart from muscle decay, you basically have to actively pull or push the rectum out to make that happen. Repeated attempts with inadequate lubrication can cause this to get started.
Bruising is important, but I would suggest that you avoid objects and activities that if imitated in your mouth would damage (hurt or bruise) your soft palate. This immediately rules out the use of captain crunch cereal and milk as a lubricant.
There is some evidence from the prostatic massage crowd that the prostate gland can be harmed(?) by repeated impact from rigid objects, but everything is anecdotal at this point. In general, I’d be more worried about friction and rough impact on the prostate than I would the sphincter. Steer away from glass, hard plastic, wood and the like in favor of softer objects, and make sure things slide over rather than impact. This implies that the shape and materials should be examined closely.
You should be VERY careful about fingernails of even normal length – put a cotton ball or two in the finger tip of your glove if you have even normal length fingernails – and don’t use bare hands.
Finally, stretching will occur, but over time the outer sphincter will almost always recover from anything other than tearing or splitting.
Some people feel that they can go to the bathroom more easily if they periodically do things like this, but some have the opposite experience. Anatomy varies, so there is no one rule fits all recommendation.
It’s more important to watch for edema (puffiness) around the rectum – I suspect that’s how you know when to lay off for a day or two.
On the whole, within limits, this is probably 50x safer than riding a motorcycle. If you’re going to be gentle, it’s probably very low risk. If you’re going to slam it and slam it hard, fast and often you should probably be more concerned about lubrication and trying not to pulverize the prostate with pointy, hard or rigid objects.
Many of the toys being marketed are probably too hard for repeated direct impact on this gland, and there is some evidence that too much pressure may be bad (making infections worse) – it is a gland, after all. They’re not particularly rugged. Go buy a bratwurst, warm it up and put a condom on it. You’ll break it long before you break anything else.
And like I said, some doctors smoke.
OK – here’s the anatomical info.
Look at the two illustrations called “male pelvis” and “female pelvis”. Keep in mind, these are colorized anatomy illustrations, and the actual bodies are from people who donated themselves to science… hence the openings appear larger than they usually are in people who still move.
You can see a couple of interesting things, including the relationship between the inner and outer sphincters. Keep in mind that these are normally closed. In some people the distance through the anal canal is pretty short – an inch or so, and in some people it can be 2x that, or more rarely 3″. Very rarely.
The distance to the posterior lobe of the prostate gland is usually around 1/3 to 1/2 the distance to the sigmoid colon – and the shape and the size of the bowel cavity varies quite a bit based on genetic and environmental factors. It can be as little as 1/4 of the distance depending on age or height.
In the illustration labeled “Rectum and Anal Canal”, you will see why people feel pain under varying conditions. The photographic illustrations don’t show the valves and the relationship and functions of the sphincters very well.
The first place where pain can appear is from forcing the exterior or interior sphincter past the elastic capability limit – especially if you do it quickly or without adequate preparation. Ouch! If the trauma (stretching) occurs very slowly, your body can repair the scar tissue in a way that accommodates displacement and simulates greater elasticity.
The next place is upon contact with and displacement of the rectal valves. You have some ability to move these out of the way or relax them, but in essence you’re trying to convince the rectum that it should open up. Your ability to do this may vary, but few people can pull this trick off on the first few tries.
Millions of women experience this (and I guess many men) from over- enthusiasm from their partners… who get in a little ways and then decide to “seal the deal” before the body has adjusted. Big Mistake, because there’s a good chance that the healing will leave large nodes of scar tissue in places that make future activities painful – apart from the psychological issues.
This is why some people feel pain with small objects that other people can barely notice. The external anal sphincter is quite strong and resilient, and it has three sets of backup muscles that work together. You have to really push it to traumatize all of these to the point that you can’t function anymore, but the interior sphincter isn’t quite so rugged. But again, it can be damaged “naturally” enough that it doesn’t really come into play that much in a large number of adults.
So that’s the deal. We’ve been around for millions of years, and our bodies are designed to try and cope with being torn apart by fangs and claws. Short of perforation or intentionally/accidentally exceeding the “it still feels OK” limit, you’re probably OK to play around like this with a little caution.
But anyone who thinks using objects around three-fingers wide is no big deal probably has already done about as much damage as they can to the interior sphincter. Beyond this, soreness is your best guide, although pain will probably be referred away to your lower abdomen or perineum rather than feeling like your ass hurts.
Note: If it stings or causes sharp pains, you should stop immediately and do something else for a day or two. Ask yourself if you’re hitting rectal valves, or potentially bruising tissue. Repeated and frequent bruising can lead to cancer or other annoying things – once or twice a month is probably the limit for your high speed pile driver imitations. Watch for puffiness in the rectal folds, and be patient if you see swelling that wasn’t there before. Minor swelling is to be expected, but if it looks really puffy, it’s time to back off for a while.
Also, don’t put hydro cortisone or cortisone products in the rectum – they thin out skin layers, which is the last thing you want in an already thin layer of cells.
And btw this is not medical advice. YMMV. I’d just like for people to understand the anatomy before they get crazy – a rectum is a lot of things, but it isn’t a coffee can!
Recap of Important Points:
- “…by the time you can consciously relax the sphincter to admit large objects, the smooth muscle has probably had a tear or two and isn’t much of a concern anymore. From a practical point of view all it did anyway was keep small amounts of flatulence and liquid waste…”
- “Smooth muscle does not become stronger with use. It cannot withstand significant trauma, but it is fairly elastic and you have to stretch it quite a bit to cause irreversible damage. Depending on your physiology, that limit is probably a one time stress to a diameter 2x as large as your average stool.”
- “Finally, stretching will occur, but over time the outer sphincter will almost always recover from anything other than tearing or splitting.”
- “The external anal sphincter is quite strong and resilient, and it has three sets of backup muscles that work together. You have to really push it to traumatize all of these to the point that you can’t function anymore, but the interior sphincter isn’t quite so rugged. But again, it can be damaged “naturally” enough that it doesn’t really come into play that much in a large number of adults.”
- “If you’re going to slam it and slam it hard, fast and often you should probably be more concerned about lubrication and trying not to pulverize the prostate with pointy, hard or rigid objects.”
My opinion after taking in all this information:Look – anecdotally, even guys who indulge in fisting on a semi-regular basis do not complain of fecal incontinence. Are there studies? No. Will there be? No. As long as you aren’t stupid about it in all the ways we have already discussed (too large, too fast, no lube, hard or sharp objects) especially when you combine more than one of those at a time…AND as long as you pay attention to problem signs like pain or soreness and stop immediately. AND as long as you don’t do the REALLY brainless move of using a desensitizing lubricant…you should be good. But please consider the risks and play with care.
Please feel free, if you are a medical professional – to comment on the accuracy or inaccuracy of the above information – the more anonymous health professionals we have who concur – that lends a tad more credibility to this subject!