This comment was left on the article “Do Women Love Pegging?” This woman’s experience is not unique. I thought it needed front page exposure.

Ruby, I can’t say I enjoy this site but I am glad you give real advice, nowhere else to turn. My bf and I are having some problems with pegging. I agreed to do it once and hated it completely. I thought once I gave in and at least tried (like I’ve noticed you tell so many women to do) he would at least respect me for trying. Wrong. He talks about it constantly, even more than bjs or vaginal. I wasn’t really turned off by the anal stimulation itself, but the fact that he loved sucking on a dildo really bothered me, that’s taking it a lot further than just stimulation, that’s wanting to suck d*** which is very gay-curious.

So please Ruby as much as you want to tell women this lifestyle is healthy and normal they need to understand that once you open Pandora’s box, you can’t close it and you might not like what you find out. Finding out your bf enjoys sucking and taking something that for all purposes is a penis can be a huge turnoff, especially if it interests him more than a vagina.

Thank you very much for leaving a comment here. I’m sorry to hear that your first time of pegging did not go as well as you both hoped it would, and seemed to be very upsetting for you. Perhaps I can help.

My response is going to be pretty long, and I am going to post this on my blog as well as talk about it on my next podcast, because it’s so important for my listeners to hear. There are definitely other women out there who have had experiences just like you did; you’re not the only one.

I hope you find this information useful. Please understand that pegging isn’t for everyone, and it might not be for you. I’m not trying to talk you into it. Just trying to show you the other side of the picture a little, to hopefully help you understand his point of view.

I wasn’t really turned off by the anal stimulation itself, but the fact that he loved sucking on a dildo really bothered me, that’s taking it a lot further than just stimulation, that’s wanting to suck d*** which is very gay-curious.

So, let’s talk about your assumption that your boyfriend is “gay-curious” because he enjoyed sucking the dildo. First of all – if he is anything other than heterosexual (straight), it’s going to be bisexual – because if he’s fucking you, he is not gay. Gay is if he enjoys men only. Now…Imagine two lesbians who do strap-on sex. If one of them enjoys sucking on the dildo, does that mean she really wants a man? Of course not. I don’t know if your boyfriend is bi-curious. I assume you two have talked about it in the context of your concerns about trying pegging. If he said he’s not, I’d believe him. If you didn’t talk about it, you need to do that and to express your concerns. Pegging is an act, not an orientation. Sure, the equipment you are using resembles a penis, but go back to that lesbian example – it doesn’t necessarily mean he wants a real penis. Ask him.

Sucking the dildo could be something he did because he thought you would like it, in the context of the role reversal experienced in pegging. Let me explain. I have heard more than one man tell this exact story – that when first faced with his girlfriend/wife wearing a strap-on, it is so exciting, because usually he’s been fantasizing about it for a long time, that he doesn’t know what to do. So his first thought is, well if that was me standing there, what would I want? I’d want to have her suck on my dick! So he proceeds to do that and freaks out his partner. She thinks – what the hell? I can’t feel it and is he just pretending I am a man? ‘Cause this feels really screwed up! I get it. I’m not a fan of my partner sucking on the dildo so much. To me it seems pointless, because I can’t feel it and it does nothing for me. But if it does something for him, then it’s more fun for me.

Consider this – many of us have fantasies that are always going to remain fantasies because it’s not something we really want in real life. It could be that it turns him on to think about it but he would never in a million years want to actually do it with a guy.

Also, consider this. If he wanted to be with a man, it would be SO much easier to go have sex with a man than go to the trouble to convince you to try pegging, right? He wants to do this with you.

I agreed to do it once and hated it completely. I thought once I gave in and at least tried (like I’ve noticed you tell so many women to do) he would at least respect me for trying.

Your phrasing is painful to read. You “gave in and at least tried” but seem to have already been anticipating never doing it again and expecting him to respect you for trying and to then leave you alone about it. That’s no way to explore new sexual territory with your partner. It’s a guaranteed failure. If you are at least neutral about trying something, that can work, but it doesn’t sound like you were. And whether that was because you had fears about him being bisexual or that pegging him would fan the flames if he was, I have no way of knowing.

He talks about it constantly, even more than bjs or vaginal.

Imagine if you suddenly discovered that you could have an orgasm 10 times more powerful than anything you had ever experienced. That’s what an orgasm is like with a combination of prostate and penile stimulation. So if you discovered that intense level of pleasure, wouldn’t you want to do that…a lot? Or imagine that you discovered that if your boyfriend stimulated your G-Spot with his fingers or a toy that it could give you a total blow-your-mind, full-body orgasm. Wouldn’t you be eager to do it a LOT? And he might be sitting there going….what about my dick? What about regular intercourse?

So…when men first experience pegging, their enthusiasm for it can be an issue for some couples. And it’s not just about the level of pleasure, it’s also about experiencing sex in a completely different way that allows them to be vulnerable and to open up and receive. It does kind of blow their mind.

My advice for couples who have this issue is to schedule regular pegging, and I am not even kidding. Otherwise, every time they head to the bedroom, he’s hoping she will peg him and she’s pissed off because it feels like that’s all he ever wants. If you schedule it, he can relax and know he’ll be getting it regularly, and you can relax and not feel pressured every time you have sex. Plus, pegging requires some preparation for him, so scheduling helps that, too. Tell him that his continued interest in rocking your world sexually in all the ways he usually does is the price of admission to regular pegging land.

So please Ruby as much as you want to tell women this lifestyle is healthy and normal they need to understand that once you open Pandora’s box, you can’t close it and you might not like what you find out. Finding out your bf enjoys sucking and taking something that for all purposes is a penis can be a huge turnoff, especially if it interests him more than a vagina.

It sounds here like you are saying you now have proof positive that your boyfriend is bi-curious, because of one session of pegging where he enjoyed sucking the dildo and getting fucked by it. The dildo was attached to your body, right? Which I assume has breasts and a vagina? Unless you have talked with him about the bi-curious thing and he has said, “Yes, I am bi-curious”, you are making incorrect assumptions about your boyfriend’s orientation (remember the lesbians!). Pegging doesn’t magically turn a man bisexual and he suddenly starts craving hairy, muscular bodies. Not the way it works. If he was bi-curious to begin with, it might arouse his curiosity a little more, but straight men don’t turn bisexual because of pegging.

…Interests him more than a vagina…

I imagine that feels quite painful, and you need to tell him how it feels to you. In fact – take some time and calmly talk all this through, that would be my advice. Tell him you feel like he’s obsessed with pegging now, that that’s all he wants to talk about and he isn’t interested in your vagina anymore.  Tell him that sucking the dildo really turned you off and freaked you out and tell him why. And then talk with him about his orientation – don’t accuse him of being gay because he sucked a penis-shaped object and had it up his ass. Lesbians fuck each other’s vaginas with penis-shaped objects, too – are they straight? Talk with him about it calmly and ask him if there is any part of him that is bi-curious. That’s the only way you are going to get open communication is to…communicate openly. Otherwise, you can assume anything you want and agonize over it as much as you want, too. And it could all be for nothing.

If he is bi-curious, then you need to figure out what that means for your relationship and go forward from there. But at least you won’t be sitting there accusing him of being bisexual because of something that happened with a sex toy when you two were in bed!

Good luck to you both. And if you feel so inclined – we’d all love to hear what happens.

Ruby Ryder

9 Comments

  1. Ruby, thank you for addressing my comment. I read and reread your response several times in order to try to clear my thoughts and be as unbiased as possible when having a serious talk with my bf. I explained to him I was still very uncomfortable with doing anything anal and probably always will be. He told me I would get used to it and wouldn’t find it gross or weird if I “practiced” enough. I told him I was willing to to do it once a month as long as it was scheduled so he could prepare himself. He told me sex should never be scheduled and once a month was not nearly enough. I told him I was trying my best and I thought once a month was better than never, he said if I was only willing to perform pegging once a month that he would only be willing to have vaginal with me once a month.

    I must say that last part especially hurt, comparing my want for regular sex where we both orgasm and a sex act in which I feel nothing at all is just crazy, plain and simple. And very selfish on his part. I told him as much and we have since broken up. I still can’t believe someone I loved so much would try to bully me into a sex act like that. I guess I never really knew him.

    I have been dating a new man for about a month now and recently worked up the courage to discuss the topic with him. I told him straight up that it is something I will never be into and if he has any curiosities about the topic that I would not judge him for it however I would not take the relationship to the next level but we could remain friends. I know you’re probably thinking I was wrong to interrogate him like that but I refuse to emotionally invest myself in someone for years just to find out were incompatible again. He assured me with a very firm no way no how that he would never be interested in anal play or anything else that made me uncomfortable.

    So yes, the decision to break up was a hard one but it was one I had to make. I’m much happier now and I’m sure he is too.

    • Ariel,
      I am so sorry to hear of your breakup. Sexual compatibility is a very important part of a relationship and it sounds like you two were simply incompatible in that one area. An area in which there were such strong feelings from both of you. I commend you on your openness to my comments and your willingness to at least try. I’m so sorry things didn’t work out. Pegging is certainly not for everyone, and it clearly isn’t for you. I admire that you know what you want and what you don’t, and you are sticking to it. Best of luck to you in your new relationship.

    • really glad that you have moved on and finds someone makes you happy. I was really pissed off when I read about his response and comparison of his fetish, that’s was the most stupid and ridiculous ever.

      Good decision, and again I wish all best.

  2. I dont usually leave comments on anything but kind of felt like I had to on this topic because is sounds like my situation. I’ll try to keep it as short as possible.
    I used to be one of those man that even brushing a hand near my butt would freak me out. After agreeing to allow my wife to use a finger about a year ago things have progressed to full on pegging and I can’t get enough.
    I’m not gay or bi but I will take pegging any time over anything else. For me it’s not really the sensation or the great amount of pleasure but rather being submissive. Knowing my wife is in charge and I have no control over things. Simply put, being her little bitch. Maybe that’s how your boyfriend was feeling.
    Now on the other side of the coin, pegging is not something my wife enjoys. Not her cup of tea and she has said so however she does it anyways from time to time (I do pester her about it a lot) just because she knows how much I enjoy it.
    Most people say “don’t do anything uncomfortable when it comes to sex” but I disagree. We all do things we don’t like or are not comfortable with because we know it pleases our partner. Straight out denying something your partner likes is just asking them to cheat or asking for unhealthy relationship, at least that’s my 2c

  3. Pingback: Ruby Ryder's Pegging Paradise

  4. I have googled “pegging” came into this cause my girlfriend has asked me several times. She keeps fantasizing of pegging and wants to discovers what it’s like. I want to say I totally agree with Ariel what she felt was true and she just made the right decision of breaking up with that freak ( I would say). With respect to you Ruby you are right with every single word about how you feel of pegging your lover and I guess my gf may share exactly the same feelings about it like you. If I will do it, that’s because my beloved one wants to find out how it will feel like to do it for real; however, I don’t like the idea at all. But if I do it, that means I do it just for her and not me.

    I do know understand how Ariel really felt like about it and know I really worry about our relationship after this. Again I feel that if I will do this, I shall have it with my lovely gf who is loving me. After all I’m giving it to my girl, and being with a girl and doing it can be as sweet and tender as she is, cause I’m not into submission or fem-dom. Above all because I love her so much and I’m willing to think about it just for her sake.

    Thank you Ariel for bringing this up and sharing it with us. I shall have a clear conversation with my gf about it and I’m really glad that you have someone who really cares for you and I hope he will love and really take care of you.

    All the best for you all and thanks for you Ruby for this blog.

    • I read and replied to this in podcast #127! Thank you for your comment!

    • Johne,

      Just for clarifying, some submission is NOT the same as submission or domination. Female domination can be as normal as when you are doing a rougher sex with sex and guiding her through what you want.

      Being a straight man myself actually is a relief that my partner enjoys this kind of domination, because it’s like removing a weight from my shoulders of always having to be the most active part.

      With my ex, when I even mentioned to her about approaching her hand from the part between the testicles and the anus (perineo?), she kinda freaked out, but was fine of me sticking my penis on her ass.

      Pegging IMO is like a way to evolve my relationship with my gf. It had teached me to be more soft and gentle with her throughout my life. Being the “passive” (I actually kinda enjoy of being active when being pegged, resembles me of what regular woman do when they take over the action) part is actually really surprising.

      I kinda enjoyed the idea of girls with strap on(even cartoon only futanari, not real trans), but the best part for me is to see her face of a mix of super sexy and soft woman with a rougher part on her, while having pleasure for both and allowing myself to be more passive.

      Actually, after two years of pegging, I recommend to couples to do the same. But I’d take Ruby’s suggestions on taking it slow. My gf started things out really fast for me (she did this in the past), and it freaked me out. I thought that I was becoming gay and couldn’t process all that new information and sensation. Thanks to Ruby and her blog I’ve slow things down to a more comfortable way for me. Nowadays, I’d say that I want to be pegged all the time, and that’s actually starting to annoy me a bit, because it’s fucking good. But we’ve come to a balance to this. We maybe use a strap about 30% of all times we have sex, but the other 70% we make sure that 50-60% of those she includes some kind of anal foreplay with me.

      I feel that I have the best sex life in the world. In regards to sex, this is by far the best relationship I’ve ever had on my life.

      I may have overwritten a bit, but if you are interested or someone else (if Ruby is it would be an honour since she helped me with her blog), I can actually in depth explain my experience with my gf, and how we came from being sexually incompatible to be a perfect match.

      • Being a straight man myself actually is a relief that my partner enjoys this kind of domination, because it’s like removing a weight from my shoulders of always having to be the most active part.

        I love this part of what you wrote – exactly.
        Going to read this on podcast #137.

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