Pegging 101 Interview Podcast #1

You’ve all heard me talk about going to a sex worker as an option for those men who really want to try out pegging and cannot find a partner to try it with.  This man did it! And called me up to tell me the story. Give a listen – it might just change your mind a little about going to a professional…

 

 

Looking to find the answer to that question, I did an internet search for information and found this quote from Violet Blue:

The notion of losing bowel control due to frequent anal penetration is a hurtful myth, perpetuated by our culture’s shame about anal sex. It is usually directed at gay men, though since anal sex has become popular with heterosexual couples, that myth has followed into mainstream culture, no thinks to pundits who confuse opinion for fact, such as Dr. Drew.

In fact, playing with anal penetration for pleasure actually tones the muscles, stimulates healthy blood flow to the area, and is a great form of exercise for the sphincter muscles. The more you use the muscles, the better shape they will be in — though because they are smooth muscles, not like the muscles in your biceps, they can’t be “bulked up” so you don’t have to worry about them becoming bigger from “too many” orgasms! Oh, if only there was such a thing as too many orgasms… I digress.

But as long as you don’t rush, you stop when you feel pain, and don’t do anything to damage the tissue, you may find that you have even better bootie control than before.

-Violet Blue-

So I posted it, adopted that opinion and then received a comment correcting and elaborating on the above assertion from a person I suspect is a health professional. I was not able to verify their credentials. But I assumed that was the case from the physiological specificity of the information. The problem is that no health professional is going to step forward and publicly give their opinion about how safe (or not) pegging is. So I chose not only to believe the information that was offered but to share it as widely as possible – with full disclosure as to the anonymous nature of the submission.

I’m a supporter, and this post will probably get deleted, but…

Talk to a surgeon or spend some time in dissection and you’ll see that it’s not really a myth. Many of the muscles in the anal sphincter are composed of smooth muscle, which are used in your eyelids and a couple other places.

Smooth muscle does not become stronger with use. It cannot withstand significant trauma, but it is fairly elastic and you have to stretch it quite a bit to cause irreversible damage. Depending on your physiology, that limit is probably a one time stress to a diameter 2x as large as your average stool.

If you’re “hammering”, that diameter is probably a lot smaller. But since we don’t have much in the way of before and after clinical exams, nobody knows the safety limits. Because the supplementary muscles are very strong, and we can control them, many people think that it’s simply a question of relaxing. It isn’t.

In truth, by the time you can consciously relax the sphincter to admit large objects, the smooth muscle has probably had a tear or two and isn’t much of a concern anymore. From a practical point of view all it did anyway was keep small amounts of flatulence and liquid waste (mostly water not absorbed in the large bowel) from escaping… not a big problem with most diets.

The ring can tolerate about 2 or 3 significant (painful) tears before it loses enough function to be unimportant in your ability to tolerate “intrusion”. On the bright side: Many overweight or obese people will already have suffered one or more of these tears starting as early as puberty, so it’s not the end of the world. You can get these events from constipation, straining or unusually dry or large bowel movements. This is why so many people think there’s no problem with introducing objects into the rectum.

Can you wreck it from repeated trauma? Certainly. You don’t have to watch much porn to see serious problems in people who have voluntarily subjected themselves to trauma. But thanks to our voluntary control of the other muscles, it doesn’t mean you’ll need diapers.

For the most part, until you’re in your late 70′s, the only person who will suffer from minor anal incontinence will be the person who does your laundry.

Lastly – there’s no science, but the prostate can indeed be bruised with negative effects. Trim those nails, and don’t use hard objects. Good luck!

 

I replied –

I am always interested in corrections, information and differing viewpoints – so of course I would not delete your comment! I love learning.

First of all – Thank you. This is excellent and very specific physiological information! I am curious to know your qualifications because you sound quite knowledgeable. I’d like to disseminate this information in a more front page way (on all the forums/websites I participate in) to everyone who is looking for it as opposed to hoping they find it hidden in the comments of a blog post. But I’d love to know your qualifications, first – messaged to me in private if you wish.

So tell me if I have this right, please…

1) Muscle tone of the inner sphincter is not built up or improved with more strap-on play. Can it be for the outer sphincter?

2) It is not all about relaxing. Small tears can occur but they are no more serious than tears which can occur normally with constipation, straining or unusually dry or large bowel movements.

3) “But thanks to our voluntary control of the other muscles, it doesn’t mean you’ll need diapers.” I want to understand here – there are 2 sphincters in the rectum, correct? The inner sphincter is involuntary and the outer is voluntary. So does that mean that the damage you describe is only to the inner involuntary? And the outer voluntary overrides the damage in terms of possible incontinence?

4) After all that…As long as you are “reasonable” in your play – not too large, too fast, too hard, sharp objects – you are likely not going to have a problem.

Response:

PS – Please don’t get the idea that I’m bashing your stand. I just spend a lot of time around asses.

Violet Blue’s expertise on that question is a valuable opinion, just like that of some random proctology surgical tech who fancies a good time now and then.

I would submit that asking a jockey what’s good for the horse will get an answer that might not match up with that of the honest race track vet.

Sorry, anon for a reason.

But…

Some doctors smoke cigars even though they know the risks.

But they generally don’t smoke a cigar a day, either. It’s the same with everything else, as well. Humans are pretty creative, and this particular hobby of yours has been around (documented) for at least 5 or 6 thousand years, and has flourished more than once in the last seven centuries.

It’s not unlike drinking diet or regular soft drink every day – it’s slowly stripping away your enamel and etching your teeth with every sip. But it’s not actively killing you.

If you cut down to one or two per week, the effect is still noticeable (to people who pay close attention) but nowhere near as bad as people who drink soft drinks every day. If you drink soft drinks every day, especially if you consume two or more soft drinks (or nurse a large one all day), I guarantee that your teeth will develop hairline cracks, start losing structural integrity and suffer significant loss of enamel. Total elapsed time to seeing the damage: 10 years on average, perhaps 20 if you have amazing genes.

But you won’t see any change from one day to the next, until it’s way too late to realize how far it’s gone. Your hygienist may not even notice any change unless he or she keeps amazingly detailed records.

Luckily, the story for the other end of the alimentary canal is a bit different, at least until you get near the end of your life. Human anatomy is not really standardized. It’s just generally amazingly “similar” in form and function between individuals.

A quick review of any decently illustrated anatomy book will give you a good idea of how the equipment is generally connected, but it won’t tell you much about the actual equipment you’ll be working with.

It won’t tell you how far you can dilate a rectum without causing trauma, or how much [long technical term that translates into how vigorously and with what friction coefficient you can thrust against the mucous membranes ] aka “action” will result in noticeable micro-tears or scarring, and it certainly won’t tell you how much impact the prostate can take without causing significant cell damage.

Why? We have no data… just a few random anecdotes. Try getting a public health grant to study the physio-mechanics of anal sex. It will never happen. The best one could hope for is to persuade someone to wrap the research into a series of rather technical porn films, but no credible doctor would touch it. And even if 50 couples were to agree to submit to a clinical study, there are no protocols. Instant loss of reputation, and with that, loss of income. If you think the syphilis experiments were ethically problematic, you’ll probably have to admit that inducing various failures in the rectum [for science!] might be a bit sketchy.

So we’re not going to accumulate credible scientific evidence, period.

Luckily, we have inference, personal experience and some clinical data from ER trauma cases. It’s not uncommon for patients to be admitted for clinical observation after blunt object trauma, or in cases of rape. It’s not exactly the same, because in many of these cases, the patient was attacked or assaulted. That’s very, very different from willing and consensual activity, but it at least gives us a reference point to calibrate our conclusions with. Most of the trauma occurs from involuntary action, inadequate lubrication and unrealistic expectations. (Really, what kind of fool thinks putting a glass object into a rectum is a good idea?)

But rather than write a treatise, let me just hit the highlights:

  • penetration through walls
  • Hemorrhoids
  • minor and major friction tears
  • sphincters being torn or split
  • large muscle tears
  • prolapse
  • bruising

Though wall penetration probably won’t happen if you pick your objects correctly. If it’s pointy, it had better be really, really soft. Otherwise, non-rigid objects are unlikely to perforate unless they’re moving really fast or have a significant length of travel relative to diameter, or unless you’re already at the limit of accommodation.

The big H is usually what causes pain and bleeding for most people. If you sit all day, or have children or eat a lousy diet, you’ll eventually suffer from a little red blood, sting and pain and occasionally a thrombosed vein might break and scare you. Eat more fiber and drink less pop. It looks scary and terrible, but hardly anyone ever died from a bleeding bottom.

Friction tears can be avoided with lubrication to a great extent, but it depends on viscosity, heat and displacement. If you’re well coated, and not moving fast enough to displace or dry out the lubricant, you should be OK. If you’re moving quickly, or the lubrication is being absorbed or going away due to other things, or the viscosity is changing from heat, you can start tearing things. You might even trigger a tear in an existing thrombosed vein, and then you’ll be bleeding for a while. It can be scary, but they’ll probably heal up.

If the object is significantly larger than the opening, lubricant can be wiped off enough that dry spots develop, and then bad things happen more often. It’s like the difference between dusting your windows and scrubbing them – even glass can suddenly cause friction if you press hard or fast enough. Minor tears will open the cells on the top layer (and it isn’t very thick – just a few cells) but major tears will shed layers or cause bleeding. They’ll probably heal, but it can take days or weeks.

I’ll leave out the disease vectors, susceptibility to infection and immune response from this, but you should try to keep everything reasonably sterile. I guess flora and fauna are a completely different topic, but let’s just say that interesting things happen with improvised lubes. Saliva is basically worthless.

All Sphincters have four maximums: How far, how fast, how often and rest/recovery time. You cannot judge the limits by anything other than direct visual observation(unlikely) and pain. The problem is that pain usually occurs as the failure limit is breached. A tear or breach will heal, but it will change the equation because it now consists of scar tissue. Elasticity is reduced with each tear, and after around three tears, it is unlikely to close completely ever again. It’s common for this to happen even without objects.

This isn’t the end of the world for your sport, because a lot of people (men and women) manage to tear them via repeated fecal constipation starting at puberty – and even in infants. It hurts. It hurts a lot. But then it stops hurting and life goes on. It isn’t debilitating, but you’ll need to wash more often. It can be worse with loose stools, or fluid leakage, especially if you strain a lot, or have gas. But sharting is now apparently mainstream, so I wouldn’t worry too much.

A major muscle tear is a bigger issue. It’s seen with blunt object trauma and rape. You can have ongoing pain issues from something like this, because the muscles will heal again one way or the other, and it might not be how you want it to heal. You can avoid this by limiting the size and length of your objects. Past this, you’re in fisting territory, and you should ask someone else. Vaginas are way better at size excursions than rectums, largely because the muscles stretch a lot better.

Prolapse is caused by the lining separated from the relatively weak support structure. It happens even without sex, and it’s a well known phenomena with lots of documentation. Limiting speed and size and using proper lubrication will go a long way – apart from muscle decay, you basically have to actively pull or push the rectum out to make that happen. Repeated attempts with inadequate lubrication can cause this to get started.

Bruising is important, but I would suggest that you avoid objects and activities that if imitated in your mouth would damage (hurt or bruise) your soft palate. This immediately rules out the use of captain crunch cereal and milk as a lubricant.

There is some evidence from the prostatic massage crowd that the prostate gland can be harmed(?) by repeated impact from rigid objects, but everything is anecdotal at this point. In general, I’d be more worried about friction and rough impact on the prostate than I would the sphincter. Steer away from glass, hard plastic, wood and the like in favor of softer objects, and make sure things slide over rather than impact. This implies that the shape and materials should be examined closely.

You should be VERY careful about fingernails of even normal length – put a cotton ball or two in the finger tip of your glove if you have even normal length fingernails – and don’t use bare hands.

Finally, stretching will occur, but over time the outer sphincter will almost always recover from anything other than tearing or splitting.

Some people feel that they can go to the bathroom more easily if they periodically do things like this, but some have the opposite experience. Anatomy varies, so there is no one rule fits all recommendation.

It’s more important to watch for edema (puffiness) around the rectum – I suspect that’s how you know when to lay off for a day or two.

On the whole, within limits, this is probably 50x safer than riding a motorcycle. If you’re going to be gentle, it’s probably very low risk. If you’re going to slam it and slam it hard, fast and often you should probably be more concerned about lubrication and trying not to pulverize the prostate with pointy, hard or rigid objects.

Many of the toys being marketed are probably too hard for repeated direct impact on this gland, and there is some evidence that too much pressure may be bad (making infections worse) – it is a gland, after all. They’re not particularly rugged. Go buy a bratwurst, warm it up and put a condom on it. You’ll break it long before you break anything else.

And like I said, some doctors smoke.

 

OK – here’s the anatomical info.

Female Pelvis

Female Pelvis

Male Pelvis

Male Pelvis

Rectum and Anal Canal

Rectum and Anal Canal

 

Look at the two illustrations called “male pelvis” and “female pelvis”. Keep in mind, these are colorized anatomy illustrations, and the actual bodies are from people who donated themselves to science… hence the openings appear larger than they usually are in people who still move.

You can see a couple of interesting things, including the relationship between the inner and outer sphincters. Keep in mind that these are normally closed. In some people the distance through the anal canal is pretty short – an inch or so, and in some people it can be 2x that, or more rarely 3″. Very rarely.

The distance to the posterior lobe of the prostate gland is usually around 1/3 to 1/2 the distance to the sigmoid colon – and the shape and the size of the bowel cavity varies quite a bit based on genetic and environmental factors. It can be as little as 1/4 of the distance depending on age or height.

In the illustration labeled “Rectum and Anal Canal”, you will see why people feel pain under varying conditions. The photographic illustrations don’t show the valves and the relationship and functions of the sphincters very well.

The first place where pain can appear is from forcing the exterior or interior sphincter past the elastic capability limit – especially if you do it quickly or without adequate preparation. Ouch! If the trauma (stretching) occurs very slowly, your body can repair the scar tissue in a way that accommodates displacement and simulates greater elasticity.

 

The next place is upon contact with and displacement of the rectal valves. You have some ability to move these out of the way or relax them, but in essence you’re trying to convince the rectum that it should open up. Your ability to do this may vary, but few people can pull this trick off on the first few tries.

Millions of women experience this (and I guess many men) from over- enthusiasm from their partners… who get in a little ways and then decide to “seal the deal” before the body has adjusted. Big Mistake, because there’s a good chance that the healing will leave large nodes of scar tissue in places that make future activities painful – apart from the psychological issues.

This is why some people feel pain with small objects that other people can barely notice. The external anal sphincter is quite strong and resilient, and it has three sets of backup muscles that work together. You have to really push it to traumatize all of these to the point that you can’t function anymore, but the interior sphincter isn’t quite so rugged. But again, it can be damaged “naturally” enough that it doesn’t really come into play that much in a large number of adults.

 

So that’s the deal. We’ve been around for millions of years, and our bodies are designed to try and cope with being torn apart by fangs and claws. Short of perforation or intentionally/accidentally exceeding the “it still feels OK” limit, you’re probably OK to play around like this with a little caution.

But anyone who thinks using objects around three-fingers wide is no big deal probably has already done about as much damage as they can to the interior sphincter. Beyond this, soreness is your best guide, although pain will probably be referred away to your lower abdomen or perineum rather than feeling like your ass hurts.

Note: If it stings or causes sharp pains, you should stop immediately and do something else for a day or two. Ask yourself if you’re hitting rectal valves, or potentially bruising tissue. Repeated and frequent bruising can lead to cancer or other annoying things – once or twice a month is probably the limit for your high speed pile driver imitations. Watch for puffiness in the rectal folds, and be patient if you see swelling that wasn’t there before. Minor swelling is to be expected, but if it looks really puffy, it’s time to back off for a while.

Also, don’t put hydro cortisone or cortisone products in the rectum – they thin out skin layers, which is the last thing you want in an already thin layer of cells.

 

And btw this is not medical advice. YMMV. I’d just like for people to understand the anatomy before they get crazy – a rectum is a lot of things, but it isn’t a coffee can!

 

Recap of Important Points:

  • “…by the time you can consciously relax the sphincter to admit large objects, the smooth muscle has probably had a tear or two and isn’t much of a concern anymore. From a practical point of view all it did anyway was keep small amounts of flatulence and liquid waste…”
  • “Smooth muscle does not become stronger with use. It cannot withstand significant trauma, but it is fairly elastic and you have to stretch it quite a bit to cause irreversible damage. Depending on your physiology, that limit is probably a one time stress to a diameter 2x as large as your average stool.”
  • “Finally, stretching will occur, but over time the outer sphincter will almost always recover from anything other than tearing or splitting.”
  • “The external anal sphincter is quite strong and resilient, and it has three sets of backup muscles that work together. You have to really push it to traumatize all of these to the point that you can’t function anymore, but the interior sphincter isn’t quite so rugged. But again, it can be damaged “naturally” enough that it doesn’t really come into play that much in a large number of adults.”
  • “If you’re going to slam it and slam it hard, fast and often you should probably be more concerned about lubrication and trying not to pulverize the prostate with pointy, hard or rigid objects.”

My opinion after taking in all this information:Look – anecdotally, even guys who indulge in fisting on a semi-regular basis do not complain of fecal incontinence. Are there studies? No. Will there be? No. As long as you aren’t stupid about it in all the ways we have already discussed (too large, too fast, no lube, hard or sharp objects) especially when you combine more than one of those at a time…AND as long as you pay attention to problem signs like pain or soreness and stop immediately. AND as long as you don’t do the REALLY brainless move of using a desensitizing lubricant…you should be good. But please consider the risks and play with care.

 

 

Please feel free, if you are a medical professional – to comment on the accuracy or inaccuracy of the above information – the more anonymous health professionals we have who concur – that lends a tad more credibility to this subject!

 

If you are a man who wants to approach your woman about pegging this article is for you.

(If you are a woman who wants to approach your man about pegging, click here.)

 

http://isissandosiriss.tumblr.com/image/28677070563

http://isissandosiriss.tumblr.com/image/28677070563

Podcast #112 – For the Ladies

Update: I recorded the above podcast specifically for the circumstances where you have just introduced your partner to the concept of pegging. The podcast is in my voice, talking to her. I offer accurate information, dispel myths and misconceptions, and emphasize the health of the relationship above all. I don’t try to persuade, I inform, and verbally hold space for those who decide it’s not their thing. Please listen to it first before sharing it with your partner, because only you can decide whether it’s appropriate for her!

I Don’t Want Her to Think I’m a Freak

For you gentlemen who have an established relationship and you want more than anything to convince your partner to peg you…what is the best way to do this? How can you approach your lady…and let her know that pegging is what you fantasize about, dream about…that you’d like nothing more than to have her slide a smooth silicone cock slowly up your ass? And how can you get this idea across without her thinking…you are a freak/gay/twisted/weird? I will do my very best to try and help you here…but please realize there are many contributing factors. While some of you may be able to just casually mention your interest and quickly find yourselves shopping for the right dildo, others will find that despite their best efforts, their partner won’t consider pegging…at all, period, end of discussion, case closed. But let us remain hopeful…


Communication and GGG

First, communication is the key. You need to be able to ask for what you want. If you can’t open your mouth and talk with your partner about sex, she is not going to magically intuit that you want to get fucked up the ass with a dildo. If you demand instead of ask…that’s not likely to meet with any success, either. Take a good long look at your relationship first. Do your very best to practice Dan Savage‘s GGG – Good, Giving and Game. “Think ‘good in bed,’ ‘giving equal time and equal pleasure,’ and ‘game for anything—within reason.'” If you just want to find one more way to please yourself and you don’t really give a flying fuck about her pleasure, don’t bother asking for anything until you get your act together…seriously. We are not just talking about your lady’s willingness to peg you…we are also talking about the state of your relationship with her…Think about it. Make sure you take into consideration her state of mind and whether she is stressed out with time demands, work, children, etc. Do your best to alleviate her stress and make sure you contribute equally to the relationship.

If you are indeed GGG and think you have a partner who is so open to new things while remaining unaffected by misconceptions and stereotypes that you can just tell her straight away that you would like to try pegging, by all means go for it. Some men actually have success this way! But be forewarned that you may also put her off the idea for good. Big risk. If you even get a hint that any part of her will be reticent about the idea for whatever reason she may have, I’d advise using a different, more gradual approach. Keep reading.

 

Important – Do Not Ask For Strap-on Play Right Off!

Patience is the key here. Many women when asked for strap-on play right off the bat have refused because they have no idea what pleasure the prostate can bring. Also, they have nothing to counter the usual misconceptions connected with pegging. If those same men would have asked just for fingers to start with it’s likely that some of the women who refused would have indulged their men in an attempt to bring him pleasure and then discovered just how amazing it could be for their man. So remember, have patience and ask for fingers first. Bide your time.

Next, let’s divide your women into two general categories: those who accept anal stimulation themselves and those who don’t.

 

She’s Into Anal

If your lady has already shown a willingness to engage in anal play, you have a foot in the door. If she is willing to let you put a finger or toy or your cock in her ass, there is a much better chance she will consent to exploring yours. Tell her you can see she is enjoying it and you want to see what it feels like. Or…you read an article about prostate orgasms and want to experiment. Or you heard from a friend/read on the internet that men can have insanely powerful orgasms with a lot of come and you’d like to try it out just to see what happens!

 

She’s Not Into Anal

This is a more difficult category, guys. Maybe you have a woman who has always refused anything anal; you touch her anus and she flinches or pulls away. There can be a lot of reasons for this. Perhaps she was told as a child her anus is dirty and should never be touched. Perhaps she thinks that only sluts have anal sex. Perhaps she is a bit of a germaphobe. Maybe she’s just totally grossed out by anything to do with excrement. Or maybe it’s just as simple as she has not yet been able to open up and own her sexuality without being concerned about what other people think. Sometimes that comes with age. Any or all of these could be true. Or…it could also be true that no one has ever played with her ass before (including you) and she just doesn’t know how pleasurable it can be.

Be aware that there are women out there that just don’t like receiving any kind of anal – yet that does not preclude their interest in fucking you! So even if your partner is not into anal at all – she could still be an enthusiastic pegger. Receiving anal herself is not a requirement. So if your partner gladly slips a finger up your ass during a blow job but steadfastly refuses to let anything near her ass, this is still good news. Just skip down to Offer Another Trade.

 

For the woman who is not into anal, consider the following approaches and ideas:

Explore Her Ass First

Two ways to do this…only you know your partner well enough to know which one might work best.

1) Get her incredibly horny (oral, kissing, nipple play, etc.) and ask if you can please, please, please play with her ass. Put your pride aside and fucking beg, if that’s what it takes. Promise her that you will only use your lips, tongue (if you are into rimming) and one finger or a small toy; your cock is not going to come anywhere near her ass. Because that is the fear of many women – the ignorant and savage thrust of a cock up an ass as if it were a pussy has put many women off anal sex….forever. So you need to go at this ultra-slow. And no matter how tempting it is for you to slide your cock into her ass…don’t do it unless she asks for it! And even if she asks for it, continue to tease and play and open her up for a while until she’s begging for it and you can easily put 2 – 3 fingers inside her. If she doesn’t ask for it…do some ass play as foreplay and then fuck her vaginally. Afterward, wax poetic about how totally hot that was to play with her ass and you absolutely loved it. The idea here is to get her used to ass play in general before asking her to peg you…and to wake her ass up to the pleasure potential there. Important: while you are playing with her ass keep the communication lines open and keep asking her if she likes what you are doing as you try different things.

2) Discuss your desire to play with her ass when you are not in bed, when you are having some close together time. Ask her if she would be willing to let you play with her there…that you promise it won’t hurt and just the thought of it really gets you excited (and you swear you will absolutely not put your cock up her ass). Reassure her, if it seems necessary, that you will love and respect her no matter what you two do in bed, and you will attend to cleanliness issues in whatever way helps her to feel comfortable. If you are not into rimming or the thought of it grosses her out, fingers and small toys are fine…even a small toy that vibrates! If she agrees, proceed as described above. If she becomes receptive to anal play, consider anal beads and experiment with pulling the beads out at the moment of orgasm trick. Find out what she likes best – ask questions!

 

Offer a Trade

If she is reticent – offer a trade. Tell her that if she will let you play with her ass one night, you will do whatever she wants the next night. And be ready to fulfill any reasonable request of hers. This is all about mutual pleasure. If you can get her to enjoy anal play…it is much easier to introduce the concept of her exploring your ass. (If she refuses – see below “Show her How Good it Feels For You”.)

Once you have played with her ass several times very successfully (not necessarily even fucked it) you can try talking with her about how you would really like to know how ass play feels. You can see how much she is enjoying it, and you read/heard that orgasms for men can be insanely powerful with anal play. Don’t mention the strap-on yet. If she goes for it – excellent! If she is still reticent…

 

Offer Another Trade

Tell her you will trade her one night of pleasing her in whatever way she likes best (it’s all about her) for a night where she indulges you in some ass play (it’s all about you). Suggest that if there is something she’s wanted to try but hasn’t asked for yet, this would be a fine time to put it on the table, as you are very interested in pleasing her sexually in the way she wants to be pleased. And you’d like to explore your interests as well. Just be ready to put on the lace panties or paint her nails or whatever it is she wants. As long as it is not a hard limit – it would behoove you to indulge her…just as you are asking her to indulge you.

 

Resistant? Start Off Slow

Do not go straight to asking her to fuck you in the ass with a dildo! Too much, too fast. Tell her again that you have discovered/read/heard that ass play feels really good for men and you want to explore it with her. Have her try fingers first (gloves if she wants them), giving her nothing but positive feedback if she’s game. Pick out a plug together and ask her to put it in you to wear while you are fucking her or when she is giving you a blow job or hand job. (Invite her to wear it while you are fucking her, too!) Exclaim how amazing your orgasms are with the plug in and suggest you try other toys. Maybe at that point talk with her about strap-ons. Tell her, while looking into her eyes with the best smoking-hot look you can muster, that just the thought of her…wearing a strap-on and doing you…about sends you over the edge. Just the thought.


Choose Your Timing

Do not start a conversation like this when you are in the middle of having sex. Talk with your partner about this out of the bedroom. Otherwise she will feel pressured and believe me – you stand a really good chance of killing the mood…and killing your chances. Choose a time when she is relaxed, receptive and maybe even had a glass or two of wine. An incredibly important point here is that you need to be a partner who is responsive to her needs if you are asking her to be responsive to yours. Read that again and think about it…and if you are not that kind of partner, make those changes before you ask for pegging. Your woman needs to feel that you take very good care of her needs and desires in the bedroom. If she feels that way, she will be much more likely to give you what you are asking for.

 

Confidence

A friend of mine offered another very important point to keep in mind when you ask for what you want. Her words say it best.

“Women are like dogs in that we can smell fear….if, when you ask us to play with your ass, you are worried or nervous, we will sense it and think you’re asking for something weird. If you project confidence that you’re asking for something totally normal, we’re more likely to agree.” Strap-on Jo

 

You’re Gay?!…This Will Turn You Gay!!

Undoubtedly, some of you will encounter the “gay” reaction from your partner. So…

I am going to give you a few choices of what to say if she accuses you of being gay or worries that if she pegs you it will “turn” you gay.

  • “That’s silly, Honey. If fucking a guy in the ass with a dildo makes him gay…then fucking a lesbian with a strap-on will turn her straight!”

Okay, maybe you don’t talk this way…maybe you are at a fine restaurant and trying to have this conversation clandestinely. Here is a toned-down version:

  • “Don’t be silly, Darling. The area of my body that I enjoy having stimulated has no bearing whatsoever on the gender I prefer. I am completely, 100% straight, period. The only person I want playing with me…there…is you.”

Other options:

  • “Nope, I definitely prefer breasts with my strap-on. Would never let a guy near my ass. You got nothin’ to worry about, Babe.”
  • I am just interested in exploring whatever brings us pleasure, Honey…I haven’t switched camps!!”
  • Your pussy is the only thing I want to sink my cock into, and your strap-on is the only thing I am interested in having sunk into me.”

You can also show her or read to her “No, He’s Not Gay” where I go into this in more detail.

 

She’s Freaked Out by Wearing a Cock

I didn’t know this was an issue, because I never had any back off strapping on a dildo. Some women, however, have a real reaction to it. She may think it means she wants a cock and it freaks her out (tell her you know she doesn’t want a cock for real – this is just about using toys to play)…or it feels too much like role reversal and she is really not into that idea (tell her you have no interest in reversing roles…but you are interested in playing with toys)…or it’s just too awkward and she feels foolish (tell her trying something new often feels awkward and that’s okay – you will both figure it out). If your lady has played with your ass and is okay with that, leave the harness aside and let her use the dildo with her hand. Once she tries it she may warm up to the idea of strapping it on. She may not, but one can hope.

 

It’s Dirty

If she’s resistant because of the “dirty” idea, tell her you will prepare by giving yourself an enema and she can use gloves. You will do everything you can to be as clean as possible. This means not eating a lot of crap or drinking alcohol a few days before, too, because that will make your feces stink more than usual. Read “Keeping Things Clean” and take the advised steps to ensure a positive experience for both of you.

 

Do NOT Show Her the Porn

Whatever you do, do NOT show her your favorite porn clip of pegging! I say this because the vast majority of “professional” pegging porn includes aspects of humiliation, feminization and abuse. If you play that way – more power to you, but I suspect if you are here reading this article you have a partner that might be a little more vanilla. The very last thing you want is for her to see that porn showing a guy dressed up as a woman and being beaten while she taunts him and fucks him. Again – this is not a judgment about what turns you or your partner on. I am just saying be aware of what you are exposing her to and how she might react to it. Spend some time looking for a few hot amateur porn clips that are loving and gentle and the man is moaning in ecstasy. They are out there!

 

Show Her How Good it Feels For You

If she is completely unwilling to give or receive anal pleasure and you are not willing to live without it, go ahead and carefully lay your cards on the table that you are very interested in ass play yourself, even if she does not want her ass explored. Consider asking her if you can just put in a butt plug while you fuck her, just to see what it feels like. She won’t have to do anything; you put it in yourself (moan a little). When she sees/hears the intensity of your orgasm, she might be more curious and interested in checking out your ass. This works for women who are sincerely interested in giving their men pleasure. If she doesn’t give a hoot about your pleasure…I don’t have any magic words for you. Maybe call Dan Savage (sex advice columnist) to explore your options.

 

Warning! Read This Before You Act!

Men who would love to experience pegging have fears of expressing their desires, understandably. There are some men who never confess their fantasies much less try to turn them into reality because they are so afraid of or even certain of rejection. Indeed, with the taboo factor and society’s puerile judgment that if a man likes anything anal he must be gay, men’s fears are legitimate. I’m telling you this because you need to make sure your partner is trustworthy before you divulge your innermost sexual desires to them. Only you can make that judgment call. And I so wish I had a magic wand for you. On one hand I would love to see you guys let go of your fears and express your desires to your partner.

I have heard amazing stories of men who did just that and their women, after initial surprise, agreed to try it and ended up loving the feeling of fucking their husbands. I have heard stories of how it totally renewed the sexual spark in a relationship of many years. Yet I have also heard sad stories of women who called their husband gay and never fucked them again. Honestly, I just want to slap those women for being so sexually fucked up and for being so cruel to their husbands. So again…we come back to the point that your relationship needs to be solid, intimate, sexual, trusting, open and communicative. If divulging a yearning for pegging might destroy your relationship, you need to decide whether you can go the rest of your life not having your sexual needs met, whether you need to leave the relationship and find someone more sexually compatible or whether you can come to an agreement that you can get your needs met elsewhere. Tough questions.

 

A Request From Ruby

For those of you who have success with your ladies, do me a HUGE favor and ask her what it was exactly that convinced her to try it? Then write me an email and tell me! I want to know what persuades an initially reluctant woman to strap one on and learn to love fucking her man. And then I will do my very best to bring many more women around to the idea….because I know how much you all want it.

 

Gentlemen…I will keep your wanting and willing asses in my thoughts (that’s easy) and hope you all find yourselves enjoying a thorough pegging very soon.

 

Ruby Ryder

 

 

 

 


In the pegging world there are many men looking to explore pegging on a casual basis and not many women who are ready to sink it deep inside them outside the structure of a relationship. When I get letters from these men or find threads asking if there are any women who want to peg them I usually suggest the men either go to a professional or look for a relationship with a woman who is sexually open-minded and attempt to convince her to try it. The relationship route requires patience, dedication, timing and has no guarantee of success, sadly. And perhaps the man is not desirous of a relationship in his life; he just wants to try pegging.

When I suggest the option of a pro, I often see some variation of this response:

Never paid for sex in my life and not going to start. I don’t recommend anyone pay for something you can get for free.

Judgment about sex workers frustrates me. They rock.

But let’s explore this. Can a man find a partner who will peg him for free? Sure. Is it a difficult thing to do unless he is incredibly hot, single and awesome? Well, judging from all the posts on just about every pegging group that allows personals around the internet, I would say the answer to that is an unequivocal yes. Perhaps less difficult if you are from the younger generation (20’s) who seem to be more open-minded around pegging and sexuality in general. But still far from an easy task to accomplish. There are men on forum boards I frequent who have literally been looking for years without success.

Are there actually women out there who love to peg men and would enjoy a wild night of pegging with a relative stranger with no monies exchanging hands? Yes, there are a few here and there. They are exceedingly rare and are usually seeking out the incredibly hot, single and awesome men.

 

For a single man who has never tried pegging, let’s examine the comparison between going to a professional and trying to find a woman to peg him for free.

For Free

You can attempt to find a woman who is into pegging. You can approach a woman you have just met about pegging and possibly have her reject you as a result. You can worry about whether she will go and tell everyone in your social circles that you want to be fucked up the ass after she rejects you. (This may not be a concern for all of you, but if it is, it is a very real concern.)

You can feel uneasy about buying expensive equipment when you aren’t sure if you will even like pegging. You can wonder whether that equipment will fit her correctly and whether she will be able to have an orgasm, if she even wants to. You can worry about whether the steep learning curve will frustrate her and she will refuse to try it again after the first experience. You can hope that she will not hurt you, in her inexperience. And you can hope that the communication between you will be adequate to facilitate a good experience, because good communication is essential for pegging. And good communication takes time to develop.

Don’t mistake me here…experiencing the adventure of strap-on sex with a partner who you are already in a relationship with can be an amazingly life-changing experience. All of those equipment questions, the communication, the learning curve, the making sure you don’t get frustrated or hurt and both of you find pleasure are all still paths you will travel, but you have the foundation of a trusting, loving, communicative relationship to contain it all and help you find your way through any mis-adventures to the ecstasy. You do not have that foundation with a woman you just find and ask to peg you. You can certainly put your efforts towards finding a woman, starting a relationship with her and then asking her. But this option is only good for those men looking for a relationship.

I am not saying that experiencing pegging with a relative stranger never works; it can. But for all the reasons I have outlined, the odds are completely against you, unless you are incredibly hot, single and awesome.

The Professional

Consider the contrast of the professional experience. You contact her. She communicates with you (part of her job) to discover exactly what kind of experience you are looking for. Are you looking to combine a couple of other kinks with the pegging to enhance the experience? Are you completely new to anal play? She asks many questions to discern exactly what you need. She will give you instructions on how to prepare for your visit to her. When you go to see a professional, it is in her best interest to provide you with an optimum experience to the best of her ability so that you will be a satisfied customer and hopefully return or recommend her to others.

You do not have to worry about her inexperience or being rejected by her because of your desire for pegging. You do not need to be concerned about her pleasure or selecting (and paying for) the right equipment. You get to experience pegging for the first time…with someone who knows exactly what they are doing and wants you to have the best experience possible. She will keep your secrets, too!

Additionally, a professional is certainly likely to be more safe, clean and knowledgeable than the woman you met at a party who says sure, I’ll peg you! It’s her job. What professionals offer is the ability to tailor the experience to your desires and fantasies as well as the knowledge to make it happen safely and satisfyingly. You are paying them. It is an equitable exchange; a win-win as it were. Doesn’t that take the stress out of the equation and just let you relax and enjoy? Think about it.

With a professional, you can live out that pegging fantasy just the way you want. And if you discover that you like pegging, then you can bide your time and find a woman when the time is right and try to convince her to try it. Or, you can just continue to get your pegging with professionals and never seek out a relationship if that’s what you want.

I encourage all you “I need a woman to peg me!” guys to consider a professional. It is a valid option for men who want to explore the world of pegging apart from all the complicating factors of a relationship.

(And if you are married or partnered and you go to a professional sex worker – just don’t tell me about it! I tend to have an overemphasis on integrity and honesty and then the self-righteousness comes out…it’s not pretty.)

 

Lastly, to all you lovely sex workers out there:

Thank You.

…for everything you do, for all you know and for all you give.

You rock.

06. July 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: Blog · Tags:

Well…I am not sure whether I am behind the curve a bit, but I have some dildo news for you lovers of cock-shaped toys. Which…if you are at this website, is all of you, right?!

I’ve written at length about toxic toys, and have generally recommended silicone dildos for their sterilizability, harness compatibility and non-toxic attributes.

Manufacturers have been trying for some time to come up with a realistic skin-like material and also to mimic the harder inner core and softer outer later of a real cock. Tip of the hat to the people working on stuff like that – you folks are awesome; trying to give us better and better products for our pleasure! There are a couple of great new products in the realistic dildo vein (and veined!). I’ve gathered information on those two, as well as the wannabes.

From what I have been able to gather, there are four important characteristics of a these skin-like dildos:

 

  • Actually has a skin-like feel
  • Firm inner core and softer outer layer
  • Non-toxic
  • Easy to clean – sterilizable

 

Before you check out all this info – let me express my opinion…taking the trouble to create a skin-like texture and then telling everyone to cover it up with a condom is…stupid. People review these and say things like – “it is so velvety to the touch!” Well who the hell cares if you need to cover it up with a condom due to toxicity and bacterial issues!

 

Another point to keep in mind is that packaging can say anything – it does not have to be true because the sex toy industry is not regulated. If you want the best, stick with companies that commit to manufacturing and/or selling completely non-toxic toys. Sure you can buy that $24.99 Pleasureskin dildo, cover it with a condom and have a great time with it for a while (if you can stand the smell), but an investment in 100% silicone will last you a long time, assure you of scent-free non-toxicity and ease of cleaning.

 

In researching these “realistic skin-like” dildos, I found that price is indeed the indicator. The cheaper dildos were the ones that failed many of the tests and were quite hard to care for. From what I discovered, I would stay away from Topco Sales and Cal Exotics if you are looking for the best toys.

 

Blush Novelties

Real Nude

Skin-like feel? Check – “Real Nude truly feels… real!”

Dual Density? Check – Sensa Feel™ dual density design. Firm on the inside, soft on the outside,

Non toxic? Check – 100% platinum-cured silicone

Easy to clean? Check – “Hypoallergenic, hygienic, boilable, bleachable and dishwasher safe”

 

Tantus

O2 Revolution

Skin-like feel? Check – “Close your eyes and you won’t know the difference!”

Dual Density? Check – “super soft outer layer of silicone and dense inner layer”, “firmer than Vixskin”

Non toxic? Check – 100% silicone

Easy to clean? Check – “Hypoallergenic, hygienic, boilable, bleachable and dishwasher safe”

 

Vixen Creations

Vixskin

Skin-like feel? Check – “a more realistic feel and greater elasticity”

Dual Density? Check – “Solid inner core for functional use”

Non toxic? Check – 100% silicone

Easy to clean? – Check – “Non-porous, can be cleaned with soap and water or sterilized by boiling for 3 minutes ”

ProsLifetime Warranty!!!

 

 

Topco Sales

PleasureSkin

(also known as SensaFirm, PassionSkin, Trueskin, Techno-skin and Private Touch)

Skin-like feel? Check – “soft, smooth texture for an authentic sensual feel”

Dual Density? Fail – reviews say “shaft is weak and floppy”

Non toxic? Fail – rated a 3 out of 10 by Eden Fantasys. Although phthalate-free, composed of “thermal plastic elastomer variations” and reviewers say it has a strong odor that doesn’t decrease with time. Recommend use with a condom (for toxicity issues as well as bacterial issues).

Easy to clean?Fail – “very porous, making it difficult to clean and easy for germs and dirt to hide “.

Cons – Surface tears easily – from fingernail contact, even. Loses color over time. Extra care – “Should be protected with a condom. They are extremely sensitive and should be cleaned following every use with warm water and toy cleaner or antibacterial soap. Toys made of these materials should be stored in dark cool place.” Lint magnet.

 

Topco Sales

CyberSkin

[also known as New supersoft, Ultra realistic 3.0 (UR3), Futurotic, SoftSkins, SoftTouch, Futurotic Plus, Realskin]

Skin-like feel? Check – “the amazing look and feel of real skin”

Dual Density? Check – “combines the feel of soft skin with an erect shaft and real ball sack”

Non toxic? Fail – rated a 2 out of 10 by Eden Fantasys. Although phthalate-free, composed of “Thermal plastic elastomer (mixture of PVC and silicone)”  Recommend use with a condom (for toxicity issues as well as bacterial issues). Interestingly, consumers report the box says phthalate and PVC-free, and the PDF link for the composition on the website is not functional. Remember – sex toys are not regulated so they can say whatever they want on the package and it might or might not be true.

Easy to clean?Fail – “These materials are extremely porous, making it difficult to clean and easy for germs and dirt to hide”.

Cons – Extra care – “Skin-like materials are extremely sensitive; they should be cleaned before and after every use with warm water and toy cleaner or antibacterial soap. These toys come dusted in a powdery material to maintain their unique texture, clean the toy thoroughly before first use. After each use, clean again and dust with a little cornstarch (not TALC which has been linked to cervical cancer) before storing to prevent the toy from becoming sticky. They should be stored individually in a dark, cool place. Store each toy separately in a plastic zip bag or thin sock because the porous surface can absorb dyes from other materials. These materials are also very incompatible with many substances. Contact with silicone-based lubricants, oil or petroleum based products will cause damages to the surface of the toy.” Lint magnet.

 

CalExotics

Pure Skin

Skin-like feel? Check – “Amazingly life-like feel”

Dual Density? Check – “Plushy soft, feels like “real”, dual density”

Non toxic? Fail – Although phthalate-free, thermal plastic elastomer (mixture of PVC and silicone)  Recommended use with a condom. Reviewers report a persistent strong odor that does not decrease with time.

Easy to clean? – Fail – “These materials are extremely porous, making it difficult to clean and easy for germs and dirt to hide. So protect them with a condom”

Cons – Extra care – “Skin-like materials are extremely sensitive; they should be cleaned before and after every use with warm water and toy cleaner or antibacterial soap. These toys come dusted in a powdery material to maintain their unique texture, clean the toy thoroughly before first use. After each use, clean again and dust with a little cornstarch (not TALC which has been linked to cervical cancer) before storing to prevent the toy from becoming sticky. They should be stored individually in a dark, cool place. Store each toy separately in a plastic zip bag or thin sock because the porous surface can absorb dyes from other materials. These materials are also very incompatible with many substances. Contact with silicone-based lubricants, oil or petroleum based products will cause damages to the surface of the toy. ” Lint magnet.

So, now that you are an informed sex toy consumer, go forth and purchase your skin-like dildo! If you choose the Blush Novelties Real Nude line – know that there are many sizes to choose from. (And be sure to use the coupon code “Ryder” for 15% off!)

Ruby Ryder

 

Gentlemen…

Are you single?

Do you love pegging or are you looking to explore it?

Are you wondering how to find a woman that will happily, or even better…eagerly, indulge your particular yearning?

 

I get the same question over and over again:

Where can I find a woman to peg me?

Well…first let me dispel some myths.

There are no pegging “clubs” where happy ladies run around ready to sink their sizable strap-ons into any willing male who is interested.

There is no internet website where ladies who love pegging are just waiting to hook up with men for a NSA pegging encounter. Don’t waste your money – there are very very few women on those sites, despite what they’d like you to believe. Plus, many of the women are fake profiles, pros or online fantasy-only women who you will never meet.

 

Wow.

Why is it so hard to find a woman who likes pegging?

It’s not. What’s hard is to find a woman who enjoys pegging and is ready to peg a stranger. Just like it is hard to find a woman who enjoys sex and is ready to fuck a stranger.

Just because you both like pegging, that doesn’t mean she is ready to peg you. Just like because you both like sex doesn’t mean she’s ready to fuck you.

 

Pegging is Not Bowling

This is not bowling, guys.

Hey! You like bowling! Me too. How about we go bowling sometime?

No. This is sex. Sex with all of its naked, intimate, vulnerable penetrations and entwining.

I’m happy that you guys have managed to find your way safely through the minefield of misconceptions, fears and social taboos that surround pegging and have come out the other side very interested in having a woman slide her strap-on deep inside you. Kudos to you. Well done.

Now. Approach finding a woman to peg you the exact same way you would approach finding a relationship. Be as charming, clever, polite, fun, interesting and considerate as you know how to be. Whether in person or online.

 

How to Approach a Woman

If you are on a Vanilla dating site, send a letter of introduction with correct spelling and good grammar. Tell her a little about yourself. Talk about something in her profile that you liked and why. Tell her you are interested and would like to hear from her. This, of course, is after you have put up a decent profile, and please choose a decent user name – don’t do the FckMyAss thing. You don’t want to lead with that. Use your best judgment to discern if she is sexually open-minded. Date her, get to know her. After you have taken each other for a test drive sexually, if all feels good then talk with her about the pegging. Using finesse. Do not present it like you have leprosy. Present it like a very cool thing that she gets to do with you because you love it. This might help. And this, too.

If you are on a website that allows you to see if she is interested in pegging and you know she is, DO NOT MENTION IT IN YOUR MESSAGE. I will tell you how that comes across to us women who love pegging. Like you are pursuing us for our strap-on and you could care less about the woman underneath. Like you want us to satisfy your desire to be pegged and that is what is at the forefront of your intentions. We are not a fetish delivery system. And we will drop you like a hot potato if you treat us like one. In fact if things go swimmingly online, meet a couple of times and if she doesn’t bring it up DO NOT MENTION PEGGING. I had one guy, after a fine dinner, tell me he had his toys out in the car…did I want to see them? Bringing sex toys for a show and tell on the first date? Yuck! Zero class.

 

Women Want to Be Treated Like People

Women don’t just peg asses, they peg men. We do not see just your body part, no matter how lovely your ass might be. We see a person connected to the ass and hope he’s a nice guy, someone we want to do more than fuck. Just because we love pegging does not mean we want to be treated like a convenient way to scratch your itch. There is a woman under the strap-on.

Let’s go back to pegging not being like bowling. Pegging is sex. Sex with all of it’s naked, intimate, vulnerable penetrations and entwining. And actually, it’s even more than that because of the role reversal. The openness and vulnerability required for penetration…the skill and intention necessary to penetrate someone. Both are unfamiliar roles for the gender experiencing them. Pegging completely switches it up and things can feel pretty different, intense and intimate. Not usually a place most women want to go with someone they barely know.

That doesn’t mean every one of us need there to be the possibility of a long term relationship, but it does mean we need there to be something that makes us WANT to peg you. Something that makes the moment hot and steamy. Something that makes us want to jump you and do you. Something more than 20 words in a pegging ad. Which leads us to…

 

Women Who Are Into Casual Pegging

You can find stories about women posting on Craig’s List who want to try pegging with a stranger. You can find stories about pegging parties where there were a few women with strap-ons doing the guys. Are these stories true? Probably. But are these situations common? Absolutely not. They are extremely rare. Out of the thousands of pegging ads posted on whatever website you guys can find to post them on, an infinitesimally small number of men actually get a response, much less actually get pegged. Pegging ads do not work.

The exception is…If a woman is into casual play and the guy is a total hottie or charming, fun, personable or clever enough – she might go for it.  There are so many men begging for a pegging that women like that have a lot of men to choose from, though. Total long shot.

There are some women who would consider doing it for fun with a kinky friend.  But first you have to make friends with those women! If online – Making friends is most decidedly not writing to her and saying “Hey – I’m a virgin and I’m looking for someone to fuck my hungry ass. Interested?” Your messages will get summarily deleted. You must send a letter of introduction as I described above, meet her and get to know her first.

 

Kink Clubs

This brings us to in person. Where do these rare women who love pegging and might consider casual play…where do they congregate in person? The only place I know of is the kink community. The BDSM groups that get together in your area likely have a few women who are interested in pegging. The women in BDSM groups are usually more open about sex, too.

You can find groups in your area by going to FetLife.com and joining (free). Keep in mind that people in those groups have all kinds of kinks, so check your judgment at the door. You go to their public get-togethers, get to know people in the community and make friends. There is no short cut. One you have gotten to know the women in the group, you can try this approach. You lean in close to a woman you know and say, “Just wanted you to know that if you ever wanted to fuck my ass I would be totally down with that.” She might laugh and tell you to fuck off. But she might call you later and ask you about it, too! People in BDSM clubs are experimental, and there is less of an emphasis on necessary intimacy when playing with others. Sometimes they just want to try something out. You could get lucky. But again – there is no shortcut.

 

No Whiners

So after all this…I hope I have not discouraged you men from exploring pegging. The only thing I hope I have discouraged you from is whining about how hard it is to find a complete stranger to fuck your ass. I have said it before and I will say it again: Pegging is like the Dubai Tower of sex thrills. It is exotic, deep, intense and explosive. For an experience that fine, that rich with pleasure and discovery…you will just have to work for it.

Ruby Ryder

 

Anyone who is the slightest bit interested in pegging, interested enough to search the internet a bit for more information has seen them.

Pegging personal ads, all placed by men.

From the restrained:

Anyone in Atlanta area interested in an “virgin” guy? 42 Caucasian, attractive, good shape, clean. Teach me!

To the simple:

I would like me a woman/women with strap on play.

To the crude:

Any women in the San Diego area want a hole to fuck?

To the playful:

Yay! strap-ons. =)
I like em big, girls, got one? You can borrow mine.

 

Just about any forum that talks about pegging soon gets overrun with pegging personals unless there is a moderator who has a rule against them and runs a tight ship. It is annoying. It is frustrating. But here’s what makes it even more frustrating, for all parties involved…

It is a complete waste of time.

I don’t care much for absolutes. So I’m sure, somewhere, there are a couple of men who have actually gotten pegged from placing a pegging ad. What is the percentage? I’d guess 99.9% of all pegging personals never see any action from their ad. At all. Yet men continue to place them, anywhere and everywhere they can. Just in case, maybe.

Let’s look at the reasons why pegging ads do not work…

Here is one. Pegging is sex. Let me repeat that: Pegging is sex. So…basically these ads are saying, I really want to have sex, and I’m totally ready, so any interested women out there, hit me up! Um…yeah, right. Not gonna happen.

Here’s another reason pegging ads don’t work. Pegging is not very widely accepted by women who don’t know anything about it. They have to get past so many potential fears! The fear that he’s gay, the whole anal thing, the fear of pegging affecting their femininity, the fear of pegging affecting his masculinity, the fear that it will hurt him, the fear of not being good at it, the fear that he will get addicted to it. etc. So pegging ads do nothing to educate women about these misconceptions. Pegging ads usually just say, “Wanna fuck me?” Again, not gonna happen.

And another reason. The odds are way against you. You are drawing from a very small pool. The number of women who know about pegging, think it rocks, love doing it to guys and have their own equipment…is really quite small. We are out there, here and there. Included are women who no longer are with the partner who introduced them to it but still really want to incorporate pegging into their next relationship. Still – even combining those groups – not very many women. This group of not very many women…yeah, well, we get a tad besieged by the throngs of men who want their ass fucked. We usually get approached (via private messages or crude comments in a thread) in a way that is all about the strap-on and not at all about us as people, which goes over like a burnt piece of toast.

And one more reason. Pegging is intimate. I know professional dominatrices who will not do pegging because it is too intimate! Take the normal intimacy level of regular PIV (penis in vagina) sex. Multiply it a couple times, at least. Why? You’ve got role reversal going on, which places both partners in situations they have never been in before. That’s a vulnerable position to be in and requires trust. A lot of it. So the likelihood that an ad asking for a woman who wants to fuck a guy’s ass is going to work? Again…not gonna happen.

So…what’s the harm in putting up an ad? I’ll tell you. By asking for it all over the place – you guys could possibly be further ensuring you will not get it. Unintended consequences.

Here’s why: If a man approaches me with a polite, forthcoming, articulate message that does not go on and on about how much he wants me to fuck him with my strap-on, I check him out and look at his comments in other areas on the website that we are both on. If I find that he has a habit of leaving pegging ads all over the place in groups, or messages on women’s walls or photos (who are interested in strap-on play) like, “I’d really like you to fuck me. I’m bent over and ready”  I cross him off my list right then and there. Because the strap-on is obviously the focus, not the woman. I have no interest in that kind of connection. Are there women who might be interested? Not so much. In my travels I have encountered a couple of non-pros who would be interested in a strap-on experience and not a relationship. One asks for donations…and the other wants to film you. Not that these are bad – just…for profit.

I’ve said it before and I will keep saying it. If you are just looking to experiment with pegging and you do not want a relationship, go find a pro. If you are looking for a relationship with a woman who enjoys pegging, you can look for that interest on the woman’s profile and send her a polite, forthcoming and articulate letter of introduction (without mentioning the pegging!). Or, you can look for a relationship with a sexually open-minded woman in the way you normally would, and attempt to introduce her to pegging later. Here’s one man’s story about how he did it.

I am not without sympathy for you men. It is a big step to decide that you want to be pegged. And if you have indulged in any anal play, you know how good it can feel. And you want it. Passionately. But I urge you…knock off the personal ads!! Try methods that have a greater success rate…please!

 Ruby Ryder

Gentlemen…

Just so you know…there is no cache of women who are eagerly waiting to take the cherry of any offered up virgin ass that is craving a pegging. It simply does not work that way.

If you just want to experience pegging, go find a sex worker to help you. And I am serious about that. Sex workers would love to have a nice clean and respectful man who wants to experience pegging pay them for services. Depending on where you live in the world, it may even be legal.

If, instead, you are looking for a relationship with a woman who will peg you, then look for a woman in the way you would normally go about finding a partner.

If you want to be sure she’s into pegging before you date her, FetLife.com is free and will connect you with kinky folk in your area. The search capabilities are definitely limited, but I believe that helps to keep out the riffraff. You can find people in your area, but you have to take the time to look at each profile to see their kinks. (There are other dating websites that cost that will sort by kink – but I can’t recommend them.)

So let’s say you find a woman you are interested in, you’ve read her profile and determined she is available. The worst possible way you can approach her is to say – “wow, you are into pegging, will you do me?” Do you do that in all your relationships? “Wow – you are cute, can I fuck you?” No – you get to know her first!

Have some respect and manners in your approach. Send her a polite letter of introduction and engage her in conversation about something other than pegging. Meet with her over coffee, take her out to dinner. Get to know the woman, don’t just pursue the strap-on.

I feel for you, guys…and I’m honestly happy you are interested in pegging, but start thinking with your big head!

And don’t forget – it is indeed possible to turn an open-minded woman who has never done pegging into an enthusiastic pegger. I have heard many first hand accounts that bear this out! For some advice on how to do that, read this:

Approaching Her About Pegging

For one man’s story on how he turned a vanilla girlfriend into a pegger, read:

Vanilla to Pegger – One Man’s Story

Best of luck with your search, gentlemen.

Ruby Ryder

06. July 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: Blog · Tags:
Prostate

Prostate

Picture your finger or dildo as the purple line – that is how to access the prostate gland from the rectum.

Toy Talk…

Part of pegging, a very important part, is of course the dildo. If you use butt plugs in your play I’m talking about those as well. In fact let’s just leave the whole pegging concept behind for a moment (with reluctance) and talk about sex toys that are insertable. Whether you are a man or a woman…whether you are inserting them in your ass or your vagina or your mouth (or your partner’s)You need to make sure that the toys you use are not toxic!

A Little History…

The sex toy industry is not regulated…by anyone. Sex toys are classified as “novelty use”, and not under scrutiny of any agency for consumer safety. “Novelty use” means that the item basically has no use and therefore is not regulated (No use? Wow, could we teach them a thing or two!). People like us are indeed using these toys. We are inserting these items in places with mucous membranes and delicate tissues galore.

Toxic toys contain PVC plastics with “phthalates” (pronounced tha-lates), which help to soften the toys. Greenpeace has called on the European Union to ban the use of phthalates in adult novelties, as they have already banned them in toys for children. The latest research indicates that exposure to these substances can upset the body’s ability to regulate hormone production, damage reproduction, and can cause liver and kidney defects. They can also possibly cause cancer.

Rather than go into all the science and controversy around phthalates, I offer a few links to some excellent articles. Here is a piece by Emily Gertz in the Grist from December of 2005. This article by Violet Blue in the SFGate.com November of 2007 is quite good. Another by Tristan Taormino in the Village Voice January 2007. Greenpeace article Bad Vibrations September 2006.

The toxic adult toy purveyors point out that no studies have been done that have positively shown these sex toys are toxic. This is true, because it is hard to prove a connection since the damage is cumulative over a long period of time and no one wants to pay for the study…certainly not the toxic toy makers.

What boggles the mind is that even though 6 different types of phthlates have been banned in children’s toys in percentages greater than .1%, sex toys containing far more than that are sold every day to use in your most private orifices! Do you doubt that this is true? Take a gander at the lab reports of 4 sex toys that Jennifer Pritchett (owner of Smitten Kitten) took in to be analyzed. The one containing the highest percentage had 53% phthalates!!

This should seriously scare the crap out of anyone who uses cheap sex toys from China. How could it not?

 

The Bad Guys

The old guard of adult toy companies typically buy the cheapest toys they can get, usually from China, thereby maximizing their profit. They really don’t care whether they are safe or not. After all, whadda ya gonna do – return it?  Not. This attitude is so sex-negative it appalls me. They assume that there is shame and/or embarrassment connected with sex toys, so of course no one would actually take the trouble to return the “Doc Johnson Huge Double Monster Jelly Dong”, even if it caused burning in orifices that didn’t go away for hours or days.

For the most part, they are right. Even the most sex-positive person would probably just chalk it up as a loss and throw away the offending jelly monster, right? Who wants to return a used sex toy and explain what happened when they used it, especially if it only cost $10? So until now, they have been able to get away distributing poor quality, toxic toys without any blow-back from the consumer.

And to be very very clear here, the manufacturers don’t give a damn whether you get sick because of their toys or not. They can’t be held responsible because sex toys are not regulated. They care about one thing; their profits.

 

The Good Guys (and Gals)

Sex in the City deserves a bit of a nod at this point for the infamous episode with the “Rabbit Pearl” vibrator by Vibratex, Here’s why. That episode brought sex toys more into the open for the American public. As sex toys became a more common purchase, a more savvy consumer emerged and awareness of toxicity increased.  These new consumers demanded high quality, non-toxic toys that were made to last.

Manufacturers started joining the movement…because if there is a market for it, someone will make it! (Kind of like, if they build it, we will insert it? No, not quite.) This new generation of sex-positive companies are challenging the old attitude of “who gives a crap about the customer”. They have research and development departments, use the best materials and actually test their products on real bodies! They make promises to the customer to sell only non-toxic toys. They stand behind what they sell and want to provide customers with toys that are well made, safe, long-lasting and do what they say they will do. It is from these companies as well as retailers like Jennifer Pritchett of Smitten Kitten select sex educators like Violet Blue and Tristan Taormino that the information about toxic toys is spreading. Select retailers started promising to sell only body-safe toys to their customers and became trusted sources for purchases. (both manufacturers and retailers listed below)

Here’s how I look at it…If I take a toy out of the package, insert it and then experience burning in my vagina/ass/mouth for a few hours, no one needs to do a study that proves toxicity to me; I assume it! And this happens to people, believe me. If these chemicals are already banned in children’s toys it’s a no-brainer to avoid using them in sex toys. I have decided to err on the side of caution where sex toys are concerned. If you would like to do the same, here is some information to assist you in your quest…

Be aware – some of the nicest high end sex toys are indeed manufactured in China (because of the cost), so it doesn’t work to just avoid toys made in China because perfectly reputable companies also manufacture there.

 

Clues For Recognizing Phthalate Toys

  • The Smell – toxic toys have a strong chemical smell, which never goes completely away, even with repeated washings.
  • See-Through Dildos – Not all see-through dildos are toxic, but most are. If it is see-though and flexible and soft, it’s probably toxic. A few see-though dildos are made with a substance called “elastomers”; those are safer in terms of not containing phthalates but are still porous and unsterilizable so should be used with a condom and ideally not anally. See-through hard plastic is safe, too, but a much less desirable texture for a toy.
  • Price –  The cheaper the dildo – the more of a guarantee it is toxic. You may be tempted to buy the $10 bright red see-through dildo (they are kind of cool looking)…but you will get what you pay for. Though those brilliantly colored crystal jelly dildos are cheap – they are toxic! In fact the word “jelly” is pretty much synonymous with toxic in the sex toy world.

Be aware that many toys, especially the jelly toys are porous and can not be sterilized! That, by itself, should be enough to stop you from buying them…even without the toxicity.

Note: Some of you are looking for the “skin-like” type of materials. I did a lot of research on those and only 2 were phthalate-free and able to be sterilized:

Tantus O2

Vixen Creations Vixskin

 

Safe Toys! (Toxic Toy Alternatives)

  • 100% Silicone – If you are looking for silicone – silicone is always opaque; never see-through. Best to stick with manufacturers you know and trust. Platinum-cured is best.
  • Glass – gorgeous glass dildos are available in an amazing variety of colors and shapes. Not usually for strap-on harnesses.
  • Stainless Steel- the weight and heat-conducting ability of metal is marvelous and touted by many. Again, not usually for strap-on harnesses.
  • Hard Plastics – Hard plastic is safe, non-porous and has no phthalates.

As a consumer, know this…Reading labels will not always help you! As awareness has increased about toxic toys, the unscrupulous companies have even taken to labeling their products according to what the customer is asking for – which sometimes has no bearing on what is in the package. Basically, since people are asking for phthalate-free, toys are sometimes labeled as phthalate-free when they are not. Again – no one regulates this industry so they can get away with it.

Here’s a second-hand true story about a toy retailer who was speaking to a manufacturer in China about a specific toy he was considering buying:

It went something like this: The retailer asked the manufacturer – “What material is this toy made out of?” The manufacturer replied, “What would you like the label to say?” Thinking he had been misunderstood, the retailer asked again. “No, I want to know what you make this toy out of, it is silicone?” The manufacturer replied, “It doesn’t matter. What do you want the label to say? 100% silicone? Phthalate-free?

Another first-hand story from a man who is very sensitive and reactive to toxic toys:

Me: I have a question for you, if you don’t mind. You mention that you tried many things to remedy the toxic toy problem – did you try a condom over the toy at any point? And if you did – was it to any degree successful in reducing the reaction? The reason I ask is because many sellers of toxic toys say just use a condom on it but there is actually no evidence that a condom will protect you at this point. So I was wondering if you have any anecdotal evidence one way or the other…?

 

Him: I am so happy you asked that question. I have used condoms on the toys I had problems with, and these are the ones that have a very strong “chemical smell” right out of the package. A condom(standard latex) will stop the bad sensations for maybe 5-7 minutes, then the bad sensations are just as bad as without the condom. I figured it was because the chemical that was causing the problem was leeching through the condom. After listening to one of your podcasts, now I know that condoms are not 100% non-reactive as is silicone. It just slows down the “issue”.

 

So think about this – that means that even if you don’t react to the toy with a condom – there is no guarantee that it is not causing problems in your body. Perhaps you are not sensitive in terms of your body reacting to the toxic chemicals as this man is, but that does not mean that no chemicals are getting into your body even with a condom.

 

All you can do is to stick with the companies that you know and trust. They are out there, believe me! One of the ways I test to see if a company sells toxic toys is to do a search for the word “jelly”. You either get jelly toys that come up or you get an article on why they don’t sell toxic toys. Of course there are online retailers out there who sell both the good toys and the bad toys. In that case you need to trust the manufacturer.

 

 

This is an alphabetical list of manufacturers who only make non-toxic toys (so if a company makes a perfectly good platinum-cured silicone dildo but they make toxic stuff, too, they are not on the list). Many of these manufacturers sell online as well.

Babes-n-Horny

Bad Dragon

Big Teaze Toys

BS is Nice

Chavez Dezignz

Fun Factory

Happy Valley Silicone

High Island Health / Aneros

JimmyJane

Lelo

nJoy

NobEssence

PyreXions

Square Peg Toys

Tantus

Therawand

Vixen Creations

Wet For Her

 

This is an alphabetical list of retail stores, online and/or brick and mortar, that sell only non-toxic toys from many different manufacturers.

 A Little More Interesting in Calgary, Canada

Babeland in Seattle and New York

Babes-n-Horny in London, England

Bad Dragon online only

BS is Nice online only

Chavez Dezignz online only

D.Vice in Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

Good Vibes in San Francisco, Cal;California

Holistic Wisdom online only

Kama Sutra Closet in Ventura, California

NobEssence online only

Other Nature in Berlin Germany

Pure Pleasure in Santa Cruz, California

PyreXions online only

The Rubber Rose in San Diego, California

SheBop in Portland, Oregon

Therawand online only

The Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis, Minnesota

The Tool Shed in Milwaukee, WI

Trinity Romance in British Columbia, Canada

Wet For Her online only

Please help me add to the lists – email me with suggestions!

Happy Pegging and play safely!